Don't Make a Scene: Addams Family Values

The Story: Oh, I know. I know. Things can get a little frustrating. Especially in these times. And they're only going to get worse. We just don't know it yet.

 

But, c'mon. Making a scene is not going to solve anything. It just makes a scene. And such things usually come with consequences. Or, at least, they should (although not so much in this day and age).

 

So...this scene from Addams Family Values, one of those few sequels better than the original. 

 

The Set-up: The Addamses are in crisis. With the birth of the newest of the spawn, Pubert, Gomez (Raul Julia) and Morticia (Anjelica Huston) are forced to hire a nanny (Joan Cusack)—always problematic—and said nanny has seduced and married Gomez's uncle, Fester (Christopher Lloyd). Gomez sees this as a crime against Nature (although he usually likes such things...).

 

Action.

 

114A INT. POLICE STATION 

ANGLE on a long-suffering POLICE SERGEANT,seated behind the precinct house's main desk. He swigs from a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. 

SERGEANT I'm warning you. I've had a bleeding ulcer. I have kidney stones. And I have a headache. Don't push me. 

GOMEZ (quietly, tenderly) Of course, officer. I have but one single request. 

SERGEANT Yeah? 

GOMEZ I demand...

GOMEZ ...justice! Someone has married my brother! 

SERGEANT No!

GOMEZ She took him to... 

GOMEZ ...Hawaii! 

SERGEANT (humoring him) Get outta here. 

GOMEZ They have moved into a large, expensive home, 

GOMEZ where they make love constantly! 

SERGEANT You got proof? Polaroids? I HATE when that happens...

GOMEZ Arrest her! At once! Without delay! 

SERGEANT Who? 

GOMEZ Debbie! My brother's wife! The temptress of Waikiki! 

Thing strides onto the desk, and bangs his fist for emphasis. SERGEANT (studying Thing) Don't I know you? 

GOMEZ (to Thing) Thing? 

SERGEANT Lousy pickpocket! Why, I oughta ... 

(Thing scurries off the desk) 

SERGEANT Lemme get this straight - You want this babe arrested, because she and your brother are having too much fun? 

GOMEZ (barely able to say the words) They have ... a lawn. 

GRANNY And a mailbox! 

MORTICIA They mow.

GOMEZ Have you heard enough? 

SERGEANT (staring at Gomez and the family) Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock? 

GOMEZ Officer, you must issue a subpoena! I believe they own - 

MORTICIA (interrupting him) Gomez! No! 

GOMEZ A Buick. 

SERGEANT Just leave. Leave quietly.  

SERGEANT Leave now. 

SERGEANT Don't make me call Ringling Brothers. 

GOMEZ (staggering backwards clutching his head) Has the planet gone mad? 

GOMEZ My brother - 

GOMEZ - passion's hostage! 

GOMEZ I seek justice

 - 

GOMEZ denied!  

GOMEZ (pulling himself together, and speaking to the entire room) I shall not submit! 

GOMEZ I shall conquer! I shall rise! 

GOMEZ My name is Gomez Addams, 

GOMEZ and I have seen evil! 

Granny proudly holds up the baby. 

GOMEZ I have seen 

GOMEZ horror! 

Lurch smiles shyly, and perhaps gives a little wave to the crowd. 

GOMEZ I have seen...

GOMEZ ...the unholy maggots which feast in the darkest recesses of the human soul! 

MORTICIA (graciously, to the crowd) They're at camp. 

GOMEZ I have seen all this, officer, 

GOMEZ but until today I had never seen 

GOMEZ - YOU! 

SERGEANT (to the bailiff) Hook 'em. Book 'em. Cook 'em. 

SERGEANT NOW!! 

 

Addams Family Values

 

Words by Paul Rudnick

 

Pictures by Donald Peterman and Barry Sonnenfeld

 

Addams Family Values is available on DVD and Blu-Ray and 4K UHD from Paramount Home Video. 

Don't Make a Scene: Tombstone

The Story: Latin at five paces.

 

So, we lost Val Kilmer. But, he'll always be around because his movies will be around, and in some cases they'll be evergreen because his performance in them made them such.

 

Like Tombstone, one of the "Wyatt Earp" movies that came out around the first half of the 1990's (studios have projects in stasis and when they hear another studio might make a similar movie, they dust off their old script and try to beat the rival to the box-office). Tombstone was first out of the gate and did very well, despite a troubled production—screenwriter Kevin Jarre was directing, but his pace wasn't considered practical and so he was replaced with the very quick (but sometimes at a cost) George P. Cosmatos.

 

Even if the product looked a little "jinky" at times—sometimes people aren't looking at the folks they're talking to, and it even happens in this scene—you had to admire the script (although it did adhere to the old "O.K. Corral" mythology) and Val Kilmer's eccentric performance as "Doc" Holliday.

 

It changes over the course of the movie, it starts being still and measured, but as the movie rolls on, a little more of Kilmer's wicked Marlon Brando-imitation—they worked together, unhappily, on The Island of Dr. Moreau—starts creeping in, and for some reason, it just works and works well. In fact, despite a great performance by Kurt Russell in the lead, Kilmer seemed to walk away with the movie.

 

He could be absolutely amazing, and it's sorry to see him go.

 

The Set-up: Wyatt (Kurt Russell), Virgil (Sam Elliott) and Morgan Earp (Bill Paxton) have settled down in Tombstone, Arizona where they set up stakes in a gambling salon, but Wyatt is informed by his friend "Doc" Holliday (Val Kilmer) that Tombstone is beset by the Cowboy gang led by "Curly Bill" Brocius (Powers Boothe) and including members of the Clanton family as well as Johnny Ringo (Michael Biehn). Their paths were bound to cross.

 

Action.

 

Doc chuckles. Suddenly Curly Bill looms over the faro table with Ringo and a drunken Ike Clanton. 

CURLY BILL Wyatt Earp, huh? 

CURLY BILL I heard of you.

IKE Listen, Mr. Kansas Law-dog. 

IKE Law Don’t go...

IKE ...around her. 

IKE Savvy? 

WYATT I’m retired. 

CURLY BILL Good. 

CURLY BILL That’s real good. 

IKE Yeah, that’s good, Mr. Law-dog, ‘cause law don’t go around here. 

WYATT (interrupting)Yeah, I heard you the first time.

WYATT Winner to the King 

WYATT five hundred dollars.

CURLY BILL Shut up, Ike.

RINGO (steps up to Doc) And you must be Doc Holliday. 

DOC (coughs then casually) That’s the rumor. 

RINGO You retired, too? 

DOC Not me. I’m in my prime. 

RINGO Yeah, you look it. 

DOC And you must be Ringo. 

DOC Look, Darling, Johnny Ringo. 

DOC The Deadliest pistoleer...

DOC ...since Wild Bill, they say. 

DOC What do you Think, darling? Should I hate him? 

KATE You don’t even know him. 

DOC Yes, that's true...

DOC but (I don't know)...

DOC there’s just something About him. 

DOC Something around The eyes, 

DOC I don’t know, 

DOC reminds me Of… 

DOC ...me. 

DOC No. I’m sure of it, 

DOC I Hate him. 

WYATT (to Ringo) He’s drunk. 

DOC In vino veritas. (Truth in wine)

RINGO Age quod agis. (Do what you do)

DOC Credat...

DOC ..Judaeus Apella, non ego. (Let Apella the Jew believe it, but not I*.)

RINGO (pats gun) Ecentus stultorum...

RINGO ...magister. (A brilliant teacher of fools)

DOC (Cheshire cat smile) In pace requiescat. (May he rest in peace)

WHITE (enters, appeasing) Come on now. 

WHITE We don’t want any Trouble in here. Not in any language. 

DOC That's...

DOC ...Latin, darling. Evidently...

DOC ...Mr. Ringo’s an educated Man. 

DOC Now I really hate him. 

Ringo looks at Doc, holding his gaze while suddenly whipping out his .45. 

Everyone but Doc flinches.

CURLY BILL Watch it, Johnny...

CURLY BILL I hear he's real fast.

Ringo does a dazzling series of twirls and tricks, 

his nickel-plated pistol flashing like a blaze of silver fire, 

finally slapping it back into his holster with a flourish. 

Cheers and hoots. 

Doc rolls his eyes, 

hooks a finger through the handle of his silver cup, 

then launches into an exact duplication of Ringo’s routine using a cup instead of a gun. 

The room bursts into laughter. 

Doc shrugs. 

Ringo lets a strange little hint of a smile cross his face 

then exits with the others. 

 

Tombstone

 

Words by Kevin Jarre

 

Pictures by William A. Fraker and George P. Cosmatos

 

Tombstone is available on DVD, Blu-Ray and 4K/UHD from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

* A.I.'s good for something:  "The phrase "Apella the Jew believes not me" is a Latin saying, "credat Judaeus Apella, non ego," that translates to "Let Apella the Jew believe it, but not I." It's used to express skepticism or to dismiss something as absurd or unbelievable, according to Wiktionary. The phrase suggests that even someone considered easily believable, like "Apella the Jew," wouldn't believe the claim, implying it's ridiculous.

The expression, first used by Horace in his Satires, has become a common way to express disbelief, according to Jewish Encyclopedia. It's also seen in the movie Tombstone, where it's used by Doc Holiday in a Latin scene, according to a Reddit thread.

In essence, "Apella the Jew believes not me" is a rhetorical device that asserts a statement's lack of credibility by suggesting even the most gullible person would not believe it."