Don't Make a Scene: Duck Soup

The Story: Well, the year's only three months old, still with lingering fears and a sense of wait-and-see. But, at least, one can hear the term "March Madness" and not sneer that it doesn't know the meaning of the term.

Oh, there is enough chaos to go around, but one can still take comfort in the chaos instigated by The Marx Brothers in Duck Soup. It is, after all, harmless, aiming as it does towards stuffed-shirts and conventions. In this scene, it is the traditions of a trial, which, in its entirety, never gets around to bringing evidence, rebuttal, and cross-examination. It is merely sidebar, sidebar, sidebar, with a trip to irrelevance (which is duly handled by mangling the language). Perry Mason, himself, would complain about "court-room theatrics (and Hamilton Burger would merely burn to a crisp). 

But, then, what can one expect of a country like Freedonia with such Marxist leanings? 

The Set-Up: In the country of Freedonia, war looms! Now, Chicolini (Chico Marx) is on trial for trying to steal Freedonian secrets to their enemies in Sylvania, presided by the country's newly appointed leader, Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx), brought to the post at the behest of Freedonia's potential financial bail-out. Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont).

All Rise!

COURT OFFICER: His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!

CHORUS: Hail, hail, Freedonia, Land of the Free and Braaaave...

RUFUS T. FIREFLY: Lieutenant! Why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?

ROLAND: Well...I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your Excellency...

FIREFLY: You didn't think they were important! Did you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?

FIREFLY: Here! Take this bottle back and get two cents for it.

CHICOLINI: Hello, boss!  

FIREFLY: Chicolini, I bet you eight to one we find you guilty. 

CHICOLINI: That's-a no good. I can get ten to one at the barbershop. 

PROSECUTOR: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. If found guilty, you'll be shot. 

CHICOLINI: I object. 

PROSECUTOR: Oh, you object? On what grounds? 

CHICOLINI: I couldn't think of anything else to say. 

FIREFLY(rapping gavel): Objection sustained. 

PROSECUTOR: Your Excellency, you sustained the objection? 

FIREFLY: Sure, I couldn't think of anything to say, either. Why don't YOU object?

PROSECUTOR: Chicolini, when were you born? 

CHICOLINI: I don't remember. I was just a little baby. 

PROSECUTOR: Isn't it true you tried to sell secret war codes and plans ? 

CHICOLINI: Sure, I sold a code and two pairs of plans. (Laughs)

CHICOLINI: That's some joke, eh, boss? 

FIREFLY: Now, I'll bet ya TWENTY to one we find you guilty. 

JUDGE: Chicolini, Have you anyone here to defend you? 

CHICOLINI: It's a-no use. I even offered to pay as high as $18. But I no could getta somebody to defend me. 

FIREFLY: My friends, this man's case moves me deeply.

Firefly leaps over the balustrade. 

FIREFLY: Look at Chicolini. 

FIREFLY: He sits there alone. An abject figure. 

CHICOLINI: I "abject"! 

FIREFLY: I say, Look at Chicolini. 

FIREFLY: He sits there alone. A pitiable object. 

FIREFLY: Let's see ya get outta THAT one. 

FIREFLY: Surrounded by...

FIREFLY: a sea of unfriendly... 

FIREFLY: ...faces. 

FIREFLY: Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten. 

CHICOLINI: Eleven. 

FIREFLY: Right! 

CHICOLINI: Now I ask you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key...  

CHICOLINI: ...weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus? 

PROSECUTOR: That's irrelevant. 

CHICOLINI: "Ir-relephant"! Hey, that's the answer. There's a whole lot of relephants in the circus. 

JUDGE: That sort of testimony we can eliminate. - 

CHICOLINI: That's a-fine, I'll take some. - 

JUDGE: You'll take what? 

CHICOLINI: Eliminate! A nice, cold glass of "liminate". 

CHICOLINI: Hey, boss, I'm goin' good. (laughs) 

FIREFLY: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you...  

FIREFLY: He really is an idiot. I implore you.... 

FIREFLY: Send him back to his father and brothers...who are waiting for him with open arms in the pentitentiary. 

FIREFLY: I suggest we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelve-worth. 

CHICOLINI: I'll tell you what, I'll take five and ten in Woolworth. 

FIREFLY: I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten rid of you, instead. 

PROSECUTOR: I object! 

FIREFLY: Even I object. - 

CHICOLINI: Then, I object, too. - 

JUDGE: You're on trial, you can't object. 

SECRETARY OF WAR: Your Excellency, General Cooper says that the Sylvanian Troops are about to land on Freedonian soil. 

SECRETARY OF WAR: This means war! 

PROSECUTOR: Something must be done. War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes. 

CHICOLINI: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.

PROSECUTOR: No! I'm talking about taxes, money, dollars. 

CHICOLINI: Dollas ! That's where my uncle lives—Dollas, Taxes.(laughs)

Handshakes all around.

Duck Soup

Words by Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, Arthur Sheekman, Nat Perrin (and the four Marx Brothers)

Pictures by Henry Sharp and Leo McCarey

Duck Soup is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Universal Home Video.