The Story: More Marx Brothers, because, why not? Again, the best representation is the clip at the bottom of the page, rather than my pathetic attempts to capture the humor of it. Timing and the inability to capture Groucho's constant winging and hoofing at a frame at a time. Impossible! Madness! Appropriate, as it is the Marx Brothers, after all. They were, in Andrew Sarris' view an anarchic presence, mad men in a sane world, but sane with pomposity, hypocrisy and duplicity, all bubbles that the Marxes circled with knives. Plots would be foiled, romances would bloom, the world would turn right because of their presence, even if you didn't quite know how. Here, Groucho, with the aid of brother Zeppo (playing Capt. Spaulding's secretary Horatio Jamison), skewer both lawyerly formality, obfuscating pro forma, and the rules of punctuation, as he dictates a letter to his lawyer—that never gets written, and never gets sent. It's just as well because the letter doesn't "say" anything, so bogged down in introduction that it never comes to the conclusion...unless it's to say that Captain Spaulding exists (at least as of June 9th). It's a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. Which is what a good deal of the judiciary is, anyway. I wonder what the Marx Brothers would do with the Internet and Social Media. Probably toss it out the window. Using Windows.™ If I want to turn it off, I have to go the "Start" menu? Maybe they designed it! The Set-Up: The garden party in honor of Captain Jeffrey Spaulding—the African Explorer—(Groucho Marx) has turned into a disaster! The unveiling of the prized painting "After the Hunt" has been spoiled by the masterpiece being stolen! And the distraught hostess Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) has sent for the police, the idea of which causes the guest of honor some proper embarrassment (and some improper embarrassment, which is the best kind). To wit:
BUTLER The police are here, madam.
- MRS. RITTENHOSE Oh, the police. Have them come in.
CAPT. SPAULDING Oh, so that's your game, is it? Well, you can't shut me up! MRS. RITTENHOUSE Captain...
CAPT. SPAULDING Nooo, you can talk to my attorney.
CAPT. SPAULDING Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers.
I'll show you a thing or two.
Or three.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll show you a thing or three. MRS. RITTENHOUSE Oh, Captain...
CAPT.SPAULDING Sending for the police!
Take a letter to my lawyers.
Sending for the police, eh? I said, take a letter to my lawyers.
- JAMISON I am taking it.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, read me what you have so far.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga,
c/ o Hungadunga, Hungadunga,
Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormack.
CAPT. SPAULDING Semicolon. JAMISON How do you spell "semicolon"?
-
CAPT. SPAULDING Alright, make it a comma.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga, care of Hungadunga, Hungerr, Hungerr, McCormack.
CAPT. SPAULDING Gentlemen, question mark. Er-r-r! JAMISON Do you want that "er-r-r" in the letter?
- CAPT. SPAULDING No, put that in an envelope. Now then...
CAPT. SPAULDING In re yours of the 5th inst,
yours to hand and beg to rep...brackets...that uh, we have gone over the ground
carefully and we seem to believe,
i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu,
that uh, despite all our precautionary
measures which have been involved, uhhhh, we seem to believe that it is hardly
necessary for us to proceed
unless we uh, receive an ipso facto
that is not negligible at this moment.
Quotes, unquotes and quotes.
CAPT. SPAULDING Uh. Hoping this finds you, I beg to...
- JAMISON Hoping this finds him where? CAPT. SPAULDING Let him worry about that.
Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison.
CAPT. SPAULDING Sneak!
CAPT. SPAULDING I said, hoping this finds you,
I beg to remain as of June 9th, Cordially yours, regards...That's all, Jamison.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll show you where I get off.
Sending for the police. (scoffs)
CAPT. SPAULDING Now, read me the letter, Jamison. JAMISON "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga."
CAPT. SPAULDING You've left out a Hungadunga.
You left out the main one, too.
CAPT. SPAULDING Thought you could slip one
over on me, didn't you, ehhh?
Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll tell you what you do, Jamison. I tell you what. Uh, make it three
windshield wipers and one Hungadunga.
They won't all be there
when the letter arrives anyhow.
JAMISON "Gentlemen, question mark." CAPT. SPAULDING "Gentleman, question mark?"Put it on the penultimate
and not on the dipthonic.
You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him. JAMISON "In re yours of the 5th inst."
- CAPT. SPAULDING I see.
JAMISON Now, uh, you said a lot of things here that weren't
important, so I just omitted them.
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Really!
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Oh Captain!
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Good gracious. Oh my!
CAPT. SPAULDING So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted
the body of the letter, that's all.
CAPT. SPAULDING You just left out the body of the letter, that's all.
Yours is not to reason why, Jamison!
CAPT. SPAULDING You've left out the body.
Alright, send it that way
and tell him the body will follow. JAMISON You want the body in brackets?
CAPT. SPAULDING No, it'll never get there in brackets.
Put it in a box.
Put it in a box
and mark it uh, 'fragilly'. JAMISON Mark it what?
-
CAPT. SPAULDING Mark it 'Fragilly!' F-R-A-G...
Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary! Look under 'fragile'.
CAPT. SPAULDING Look under the table
if you don't find it there. JAMISON "Quotes, unquotes and quotes."
- CAPT. SPAULDING That's 3 quotes? - JAMISON Yes, sir.
CAPT. SPAULDING Add another and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison? JAMISON Regards.
-
CAPT. SPAULDING "Regards" That's a fine letter, Jamison.
That's an epic. That's dandy.
CAPT. SPAULDING Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away.
Just send a stamp. Air mail. That's all. You may go, Jamison.
The Story: Amazing the things you come across watching movies. There's an interesting spot in Animal Crackers, the second Marx Bros. movie (and the personal favorite of Julius...er, Groucho) where the movie goes surrealistic. The Marx Brothers were always walking the razor blade between the possible and the impossible and, in fact, if anybody acted like they did in real life (whatever THAT is), they would either be in jail, in an asylum or in the Senate. People in Marx Brothers movies put up with the Marx Brothers because they are scripted to. And presumably paid to. But surrealism. Right in the middle of a Groucho love scene, he starts speaking of Eugene O'Neill and his play "Strange Interlude" which was produced by the Theater Guild starting January 30, 1928. In it, O'Neill mixed dialogue with monologue, giving audiences a look into the private thoughts of the characters on stage, as they would address the audience with what they were REALLY thinking while they were making small talk on-stage. The play would eventually win the Pulitzer Prize and the hearts of the Marx Brothers...or George S. Kaufman. After the most innocuous of mentions of the source, Groucho turns to the audience and does a soliloquy about his thoughts...which probably 1/4 of the audience found funny. But, I did. I also found it brilliant. But, I doubt I'd be able to sit through a staging of "Strange Interlude" without laughing. The Set-Up: Here comes Captain Spaulding (the African explorer played by Groucho Marx) who shot an elephant in his pajamas—how he got in his pajamas we'll never know. The Captain is the Guest of Honor at a garden party thrown by Mrs. Rittenhouse (the stoic Margaret Dumont—who actually DID get the jokes, but maintained a strict "straight-man" role to allow for audience laughter), but the Captain is after bigger game...as he makes perfectly clear. Action! (Yoo-hoo!)
CAPT. SPAULDING Mrs. Rittenhouse.
CAPT. SPAULDING Yee-hoo! Wa-hoo! Mrs. Rittenhouse! MRS. RITTENOUSE Oh, Captain Spaulding!
How are you?
CAPT. SPAULDING Tell me. Are you alone?
- MRS. RITTENOUSE Captain, I don't understand.
CAPT. SPAULDING What, you don't understand being alone? Don't give me that innocent
stuff or you'll be alone. MRS. RITTENHOUSE: Well!
CAPT. SPAULDING A big cluck like you
turning cute on me!
CAPT. SPAULDING Mrs. Rittenhouse...
-
MRS. RITTENOUSE Yes?
CAPT. SPAULDING Oh, pardon, pardon me.
You've been affected like this yourself, haven't you, at times?
MRS. RITTENOUSE Oh no, Captain.
- CAPT. SPAULDING Well, you will be.
CAPT. SPAULDINGMrs. Rittenhouse...
Ever since I've met you,
I've swept you off my feet.
CAPT. SPAULDING Something has been throbbing within me. Oh, it's been beating like
the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle.
Something that I must ask you.
- MRS. RITTENOUSE What is it, Captain?
CAPT. SPAULDING Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?
- MRS. RITTENOUSE Captain,I'm surprised. CAPT. SPAULDING Well, it may be a surprise to you, but it's been on my mind for weeks.
It's just my way of telling you I love you, that's all.
I love you. MRS. RITTENHOUSE Captain, Mrs. Whitehead! CAPT. SPAULDING I love all of you! MRS. WHITEHEAD I beg your pardon... CAPT. SPAULDING There's never been...
-
MRS. WHITEHEAD I beg your pardon. Am I intruding? CAPT. SPAULDING Are you intruding? Just when
I had her on the 5-yard line.
I should say you were intruding.
I should say you "are" intruding, pardon me.
CAPT. SPAULDING I was using the subjunctive
instead of the past tense.
Yes, we're way past tents,
we're living in bungalows now. This is a mechanical age, of course. MRS. RITTENOUSE Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met
Captain Spaulding, have you?
MRS. WHITEHEAD Why, No, I haven't.
How are you? - CAPT. SPAULDING How are you?
- MRS. WHITEHEAD I'm fine, thank you. And how are you? CAPT. SPAULDING And how are you?
That leaves you one up.
Did anyone ever tell you
you had...beautiful eyes? - MRS. WHITEHEAD No-o-o. CAPT. SPAULDING Well, you ha-ave.
And so have you.
CAPT. SPAULDING He shot her a glance.
As a smile played around his lips. Yes, I don't think I've ever seen
four more beautiful eyes in my life.
Well, three anyway.
CAPT. SPAULDING You know, you two girls have everything.
You're tall and short and slim and stout and blond and brunette.
And that's just the kind of a girl I cra-aave.
We three would make an ideal couple.
Why, You've got beauty, charm, money!
CAPT. SPAULDING You have got money, haven't you?
'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now. MRS. WHITEHEAD The Captain is charming, isn't he?
- MRS. RITTENHOUSE I'm fascinated.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm.
Fascinated, whim-wham!
CAPT. SPAULDING If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell
you what I really think of you two.
You know, you're very fortunate the Theater Guild isn't putting this on.
And so is The Guild.
CAPT. SPAULDING Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.
CAPT. SPAULDING Aye, you couple of baboons, what makes
you think I'd marry either one of you?
Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a thin, eerie voice that reminds me of poor old Marsden.
How happy I could be with either of these two, if both of them just went away.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, what d'ya say, girls? What d'ya say, will you marry me? MRS. RITTENOUSE But, Captain, which one of us? - CAPT. SPAULDING Both of you.
Let's all get married. This is my party!
CAPT. SPAULDING Party... Party...
CAPT. SPAULDING Here I am talking of parties.
I came down here for a party. What happens?
Nothing. Not even ice cream.
The gods look down and laugh.
The world would be better for children
if the parents had to eat the spinach.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, what do you say, girls?
What d'ya say, are we all gonna get married?
-
MRS. WHITEHEAD All of us? -
CAPT. SPAULDING All of us.
MRS. WHITEHEAD That's bigamy.
-
CAPT. SPAULDING Yes, and that's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages.
One woman and one man was good enough
for your grandmother,
but who wants to marry your grandmother?
Nobody! Not even your grandfather.
CAPT. SPAULDING Think! Think of the honeymoon. Strictly
private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this.
Well, maybe one or two,
but no men. I may not go myself.
MRS. RITTENOUSE Are you suggesting companionate marriage?
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with
your folks, and I could live with your folks.
CAPT. SPAULDING And you? You could sell Fuller brushes.
CAPT. SPAULDING Living with your folks...
CAPT. SPAULDING Living with your folks, the beginning of the end.
Drab, dead yesterdays shutting out
beautiful tomorrows.
Hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along
the misty corridors of time,
and in those corridors I see figures.
Strange figures.
Weird figures:
Steel 186, Anaconda 74,
American Can 138.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, let's see, where were we?
Oh yes, we were about to get married.
Well, what do you think? D'ya, d'ya think we really oughta get married?
-
MRS. RITTENOUSE I think marriage is a very noble institution.
SPAULDING whinnies
MRS. WHITEHEAD It's the foundation of the American home.
- CAPT. SPAULDING Yes, but the trouble is you can't enforce it.
CAPT. SPAULDING It was put over on the American people
while our boys were over there...
CAPT. SPAULDING ....and our girls were over here.
CAPT. SPAULDING I've waited at these stairs
for years for just such a moment as this.
MRS. RITTENOUSE Why, Captain, where are you going?
-
CAPT. SPAULDING I'm sorry, ladies,
I'm sorry, we'll have to postpone the wedding
for a few days. Maybe for a few years.
Before I get married, I'm gonna
sow a couple of wild oats.
