Sunday, November 3, 2024

Don't Make a Scene: Battleground

The Story:
Today's lecture: Know your enemy.

I may be what Trump calls "an enemy of the people," but I actually find more of those on social media scrolling though videos. It's absolutely true that the former Soviet Union, China and who-knows-who-else is putting stuff out there to "divide-and-conquer." It's the well-known tactic of dis-information and it's been around as long as there've been spies. But, now it's just getting dumb and about the stupidest of subjects. They can be as innocuous as arguing about the latest Star Wars movie (that was a classic...and the follow-up video where the guy protested in his thick Georgian accent "Me? I'm a Russian bot?" Bozhe moi!) or in the last presidential campaign there was a hilarious one concerning the growing trend of liberals voting for Trump because of the Left's bad attitude towards conservatives—the highlight of it was an African-American "actor" (he said) who was really disappointed in how Hollywood "treated Kelsey Grammer."

Huh? What did that have to do with the cost of tea? Sure, Grammer wasn't working (this was before he re-booted "Frasier" btw) but his residuals for the umpteen years of "Frasier"—in which HE was the executive producer—hadn't run out, I'm sure. And if he was tight for cash it was because he picked the wrong women to marry...and then divorce. But, this guy on the video was SO concerned about how Hollywood "treated Kelsey Grammer." It just didn't compute. That is, unless you weren't living in this country and you fact-checked that one of the most popular shows of the last decade was "Frasier" and that actor wasn't working then and doing a few politically right-leaning roles. Nobody really cared...but somebody thought we cared because we Americans are such fans, such gossipy little culture-vultures. I laughed. I laughed a lot.
 
It was stupid. It was a "plant". It had such an obvious mis-reading of our culture that it couldn't come from around these parts. I dismissed it but I wondered how many didn't. The ones who bought it hook, line, and sinker. Look, if something doesn't strike you as making sense, don't buy it. It's okay to be an idiot. Just don't be a "useful idiot."

Which brings to mind this scene from Battleground. And how loony this stuff can get. Two groups of American soldiers...but, they don't know that...walk the extra thousand yards to be sure ("Just how American ARE you?") because it's life-or-death out there. And (wouldn't you know it?) pop-cult is the verifiable coin of the realm.
 
So (as they used to say on what TV show "comrades?"), "let's be careful out there."
 
Oh. And...Kelsey? Nice to see you working again (during the Biden Administration? Co-incidence?).
 
The Set-Up: December, 1944. The 2nd Squad, 3rd Platoon, Company I, 3rd Battalion, 327th Glider Infantry Regiment are fighting what they don't know will be called "The Battle of the Bulge" (who cares what you call it besides "miserable?"). It's just snowed making things more difficult and the Germans fascists are in close proximity—in fact, we've seen a squad of those Nazi bastards already sneak by our defenses—and everybody's being extremely careful. Even grunts like PFC Holley (Van Johnson), Private Jarvess (John Hodiak), and Private Roderigues (Ricardo Montalban).
 
Who Goes There?
 

HOLLEY:
What's the... 
HOLLEY:
...password?
MAJOR:
Texas. 
MAJOR:
Keep them covered. They may be German.
HOLLEY:
Any line on these woods, Major?
MAJOR:
I didn't hear the countersign. 
HOLLEY:
Oh. (huh)
Leaguer. Texas Leaguer. 
MAJOR:
Will this road take us to...
MAJOR:
...Third Bat headquarters?
HOLLEY:
Straight ahead.
MAJOR:
Get going.
HOLLEY:
Just a minute. What is a Texas leaguer, Major?
MAJOR: How's that?
HOLLEY:
I said what's a Texas leaguer?
SERGEANT:
It's some kind of baseball term.
JARVESS:
What kind?
SERGEANT:
A safe hit just over the infielder's head... 
JARVESS:
Nobody asked you. How'd the Dodgers make out?*
MAJOR:
Who's your commanding officer, soldier?
HOLLEY:
Whoever he is, he knows how the Dodgers made out.
JARVESS:
Let's see your dog tags.
G.I.:
What? 
JARVESS:
C'mon, we're not taking any chances. 
HOLLEY:
Sprechen sie Deutsch?**
MAJOR:
What is this? 
HOLLEY:
Was ist "dye" name?
MAJOR:
What kind of nonsense...
HOLLEY:
Schnell! Schnell! 
HOLLEY:
Name, name! Sprechen sie!
SERGEANT:
Drop those rifles.
SERGEANT:
You!
Who's Betty Grable going with?
RODRIGUES:
Cesar Romero.
DRIVER:
Shut up. Who's the Dragon Lady?
HOLLEY:
She's in Terry and the Pirates.
SERGEANT:
What's a...
SERGEANT:
...hotrod?
HOLLEY: A hopped-up jalopy.
HOLLEY
(laughs):
I guess they're okay.
MAJOR
(sarcastically): Thank you, Sergeant. 
HOLLEY:
PFC, Major. 
HOLLEY:
As in Praying For Civilian. That's why I believe in being careful. May I suggest, sir, that... 
HOLLEY:
...you study up on baseball? 
MAJOR:
I guess I'd better. 
MAJOR:
And by the way, 
MAJOR:
you might tell your buddy that Cesar Romero is out. 
MAJOR:
She's married to Harry James.
 
 
Words by Robert Pirosh
 
Pictures by Paul Vogel and William A. Wellman.

Battleground is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from M-G-M Home Entertainment.
* Pretty darned good, if you ask me!
 
** I took German in High School and it's so rusty it squeaks, but I can tell you he's saying "You speak German?" then Van Johnson mispronounces "Was ist die name?" ("What is your name?") because the German word "die" is pronounced "dee" not "dye" then "Fast! Fast! Your name! Say it!"

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