Don't Make a Scene: Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

The Story: This is two scenes actually—two separate segments from the same location (in the movie, it is split by an extensive scene in the Pentagon's War Room).

But, the subject matter, and the through-line of the scene is the same; it's about conspiracy theories, which is a subject that is all too familiar these days. Conspiracies used to be about far-flung subjects, like UFO's, or who shot Kennedy (it couldn't be one nut with delusions of grandeur with a rifle, could it?). They were the subject of niche publications and the Weekly World News ("Bat-Boy Leads Cops on 3 State Chase"—that was an actual headline). I've had conversations with relations that "bought" things like this—"They wouldn't print it if it wasn't true!" would be the rebuttal. "Yes, they would! It's called 'fiction!'" would be the counter-rebuttal (to no avail).

Now, conspiracy theories are as close as chem-trails, black-eyed children, vaxing chips, and Q-anon, thanks to the Inter-webs and how well you're reading or mis-reading your personal computer. But, it still comes down to gullibility and the conviction that you're smarter than you actually are (Hint: you're not—see Dunning-Kruger). 

 

Because the worst outcome of any investigation is that you could be wrong. Worse than the climate changing (if you want to skip to the ending: The Earth will be fine, but we're screwed), or the government imploding ("We have seen the enemy and they is us and we dress as shaman-commandos"). I've had so many conversations where, at some point, the conversation gets so loopy, that I start getting uncomfortable and I start talking about my "gammy leg" (as in this scene) and that tends to stop the conversation cold.

 

Here, in Dr. Strangelove..., General Jack D. Ripper explains why he's launched a nuclear attack against Russia, and it comes down to a conspiracy theory about water fluoridation, an implementation designed, not by commies, but by dentists. And, oh yes, it was controversial. Probably still is. They wanted to reduce cavities, but neglected to think about the big one between the ears.

And using the strategic arithmatic logic of "1 + 1 = 3" the General has taken advantage of a military contingency to quell the Soviet threat on our freedoms and our children. As someone once said after his arrest: "This wasn't very well thought out"

 

The Set-Up: Red Alert! An Air Force General (Sterling Hayden) has launched a nuclear attack on Russia. While the President (Peter Sellers) and the Joint Chiefs huddle in the War Room of the Pentagon to defuse the situation, a lone British liaison (Peter Sellers, again) is trapped in the office of General Ripper, while an assault on Burpelson Air Force Base ordered by the President is staged to capture the wayward General before the planes reach their targets.

 

Action.

 

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE

Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. 

Ripper puts a comforting arm around his shoulder. 

RIPPER (through his cigar) Mandrake. 

MANDRAKE Yes, Jack? 

RIPPER Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water? 

MANDRAKE Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack. 

RIPPER Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water? 

MANDRAKE Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes. 

RIPPER On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason. 

MANDRAKE Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack. 

RIPPER Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water. 

MANDRAKE Uhhh God... 

RIPPER And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids. 

MANDRAKE Yes. chuckles nervously 

RIPPER You beginning to understand? 

MANDRAKE Yes. (chuckles – begins laughing/crying quietly) 

RIPPER Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol? 

MANDRAKE Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes. 

RIPPER Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water? 

MANDRAKE Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes. 

RIPPER Well do you now what it is? 

MANDRAKE No. No, I don't know what it is. No. 

RIPPER Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face? 

Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire. 

RIPPER (walks to window and shouts) Two can play at this game soldier! 

More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp. 

RIPPER That's nice shooting, soldier! 

Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. 

He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk. 

RIPPER Mandrake! Come here! 

MANDRAKE You calling me, Jack? 

RIPPER Just come over here and help me with this belt. 

MANDRAKE (prone on couch) I ah, 

MANDRAKE (prone on couch) I haven't had very much experience..., 

MANDRAKE (prone on couch) you know, with those... sort of machines, Jack. 

MANDRAKE (prone on couch) I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire. 

RIPPER Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy! 

MANDRAKE Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my leg's gone. 

RIPPER The what? 

MANDRAKE The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off. 

Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. 

RIPPER Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. 

RIPPER Come on!

INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 

Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. 

Ripper, standing, shoots back at unseen machine-gunner. Mandrake is now crouching by his side. 

RIPPER Stay with me Mandrake. 

Ripper and Mandrake crawl to one side of desk. 

RIPPER Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me. 

Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemy fire subsides. 

MANDRAKE (laughs) Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of the room, away from all this flying glass? 

RIPPER Ah, naah. We're ok here. 

RIPPER Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? 

RIPPER Ice cream, Mandrake. Children's ice cream? 

MANDRAKE Good Lord. 

RIPPER You know when fluoridation first began? 

MANDRAKE No. No, I don't, Jack. No. 

RIPPER Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen forty six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? 

RIPPER It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard core commie works.

MANDRAKE Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah...when did you first become...

MANDRAKE ...well, develop this theory?

RIPPER Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love. 

Mandrake sighs fearfully 

RIPPER Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. 

RIPPER Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: 

RIPPER ...loss of essence. 

MANDRAKE Yes... 

RIPPER I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... 

RIPPER ...women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. 

MANDRAKE No.

RIPPER I do not avoid women, Mandrake, 

MANDRAKE Yes....

RIPPER but I do deny them my essence. 

MANDRAKE Heh heh... yes.

 

Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

 

Words by Peter George, Terry Southern and Stanley Kubrick

 

Pictures by Gilbert Taylor and Stanley Kubrick

 

Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Warner Home Video and the Criterion Collection.