Don't Make a Scene: Argo

The Story: The Oscars are tonight.

I couldn't care less.

The Academy Awards started in 1929 (Wings was selected as Best Picture, but have you seen it?) in what director William Friedkin called "the biggest promotion scheme that any industry devised for itself" (and he should know, having won one for directing The French Connection). But, Oscars have a short shelf-life—what was last year's winner?*—and tend to have a very myopic perspective about quality—as opposed to "value"—and that is "quality" as defined by industry professionals. Those industry professionals have as good a chance of seeing into the future to see what stands the test of time as I do. Or you, for that matter.

That's why there's a cottage industry out there on the Internet for articles decrying "what Oscar gets wrong" (and believe me, they get a lot of things wrong, if History is the judge...and History is NOT a judge or else the percentage of what they get right would be higher). The Oscars is a big party the industry throws for itself, and if you think it's anything more than that, you're placing too much importance on their opinion and not enough on yours.

Still, all this spam is annoying, and I tend to avoid it. But, there was one that caught my eye—Argo is the latest poster-child for not being good enough to be Best Picture. Maybe the writer doesn't like Ben Affleck, doesn't like what he did as "Batman," hasn't seen any of the good films Affleck has directed, or they're just "piling on" because Affleck is having a bit of a career slump (which he'll bounce back from as he has in the past). Who knows what axe this individual has to grind, but Argo is a well-done picture, "Based on a True story" (which means it's not 100% accurate, as those never are), and is a fairly nutty perspective on the bizarre world of clandestine affairs that it goes beyond any accusations of being a "Hollywood Saves the Day" message. Enough sarcastic cracks are made at the expense of Hollywood that one could hardly call it 100% "patting-ourselves-on-the-back."

However, there is a pattern of the Oscars doubling down on the self-promotion by voting about films involving Hollywood for awards honoring Hollywood. It's why I suspect Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood will win Best Picture. Besides, Tarantino is the favorite red-headed step-child. And...I'll face it...it's the best movie he's made.

But, I wouldn't kick if Little Women, Marriage Story or Parasite (review this week) win.

But, I won't be aggrieved ("We—'we?'—were robbed!")and write about it if they don't.

The Set-Up: 1979. Iranian Islamists take over the United States embassy and hold sixty of the staff hostage. Six escape and are given sanctuary by the Canadian ambassador. The C.I.A. starts to explore ways for an "exfil"—"exfiltrating" the staff from Iran by commercial air without alerting the Iranian authorities. An "exfil specialist", Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck) is stumped—until he comes up with an off-the-hook plan: smuggle the staff as Canadian film-makers scouting exotic locations for a potential sci-fi film. His first move is to contact a Hollywood insider who has done work for the CIA before, makeup artist John Chambers (John Goodman)

Action!

Cut!

87 INT. WARNER BROS. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 87
A DIRECTOR, 40s, whispers something to an A.D., midthirties.

AD(inquiring into a walkie): Chambers. John Chambers, makeup! 

CUT TO:
88 INT. WARNER BROS. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY 88

JOHN CHAMBERS, Hollywood.’s first Oscar winner for makeup, walks onto set carrying a fishing tackle box of supplies.
SUPERIMPOSE: BURBANK, CALIFORNIA - JANUARY 19, 1980

The A.D. joins Chambers, walking him onto the set. 

AD: He says the Minotaur prosthetic is too tight, so he can't act.

JOHN: If he could act, he wouldn't be playing the Minotaur. 

He smiles and waves at the Minotaur and begins to work on  his prosthetic with a brush and solvent.

CUT TO:
89 INT. NEAR CRAFT SERVICES TABLE - DAY 89

Chambers is foraging through ‘70s SNACKS. At the craft service table. A guy in his SPACE ARMOR PANTS without the top is eating as well.
A P.A. approaches, carrying a PHONE on a long cord.

PA: Mr. Chambers? "Kevin Harkins."
Chambers gives the kid a look, takes the phone from him and puts it to his ear. 

JOHN: Hey, Tony. 

98 EXT. BURBANK - AFTERNOON 98 *

The water tower on Warner Bros. studio -- which in 1980 read, .“Burbank Studios..”

99 INT. CHAMBERS.’ STUDIO - AFTERNOON 99

Chambers leads Mendez into his makeup studio and starts to open windows. Around the studio: stunt double-masks, deformed monster foreheads, dental implants on shelves. Planet of the Apes prosthetics. Mr. Spock ears on Styrofoam stands. (Chambers created all these -- really.)

JOHN: Watch your head. 
TONY: What are you shooting? 
JOHN: Monster movie. 
TONY: Yeah? Any good? 

JOHN: (JOHN SIGHS) Target audience will hate it. 

TONY: Who's the target audience? 

JOHN: People with eyes. Talk to me. 

TONY: It's an exfil. 
JOHN: From where? 
TONY: Worst place you can think of. 

JOHN: Universal City. 

Mendez picks up a Newsweek magazine under a can of Tab on a makeup table: blindfolded Iran hostages on the cover. 

Chambers takes it in for a moment -- the gravity of it.

JOHN: How are you gonna get into the embassy? 

TONY: They're not in the embassy. During the takeover, 

TONY: ...six people escaped. They're hiding out in Tehran. - And that's who I'm gonna go get. - 

JOHN: What am I making? 

TONY: I need you to help me make a fake movie. 

JOHN: Heh. You came to the right place. 

TONY: I wanna set up a production company and build a cover around making a movie. - 

JOHN: That we're not gonna make. - 
TONY: No. 
JOHN: So you wanna come to Hollywood and act like a big shot? -

TONY: Yeah.
JOHN: Without actually doing anything? - 

TONY: No. 
JOHN: You'll fit right in. 

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) 

100 INT. SMOKE HOUSE - AFTERNOON 100

A couple of empty highball glasses on the table. Chambers is looking at PHOTOGRAPHS of the SIX. Mendez is taking notes. On a photo of Cora Lijek.

JOHN: Let's see. 

JOHN: Well, this one's got an M.A. in English. 

JOHN: She should be your screenwriter. Sometimes they go along... 

JOHN: ...on scouts because they want the free meals. 

JOHN re: Bob Anders: Here's your director. 

TONY: Can you teach somebody to be a director in a day? 

JOHN: You can teach a rhesus monkey to be a director in a day. 

JOHN: Look, if you're gonna do this, you gotta do it. 

JOHN: The Kho-maniacs are Froot Loops, but they got cousins who sell prayer rugs and eight-tracks on La Brea. 

JOHN: You can't build cover stories around a movie that doesn't exist. You need a script. You need a producer. - 

TONY: Make me a producer. - 

JOHN: No. You're an "associate" producer at best. 

JOHN: If you're gonna do a $20 million Star Wars rip-off... 

JOHN: ...you need somebody who's a somebody to put their name on it.
Here we see some AUTOGRAPHED .‘70s CELEBRITY 8X10s hanging
on the wall. The waiter brings a bill. 

JOHN: Somebody respectable. With credits. Who you can trust with classified information. Who'll produce a fake movie. For free. 

101 EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - EVENING 101

They walk up the driveway of a .‘70s Bel Air home.

LESTER: Hi. 
102 INT. SIEGEL HOUSE - HALLWAY - EVENING 102
And there’s LESTER SIEGEL, a semi-legendary producer in his semi-legendary seventies. He’s equal parts bookie and rabbi. His father sold perfume on the Lower East Side. Lester is halfway to dressed in a tuxedo.

LESTER: I only got a couple of minutes. I'm getting a lifetime achievement award. - 

JOHN: Mazel tov, Lester. 

LESTER: Ah. I'd rather stay home and count the wrinkles on my dog's balls. These fuckin’ things are like getting measured for your
coffin. ‘He don’t look so good. Let’s give him an honorary award..’
TIME CUT TO:
103 INT. SIEGEL.’S DEN - ANGLE ON TV - TED KOPPEL - EVENING 103
Reporting on Iran.
SIEGEL (O.S.) A little experiment. You be me hearing you.
The TV we’re watching sits in a room with a couple of  Golden Globes and pictures of a younger Lester.
ANOTHER ANGLE:

LESTER: Okay, you got six... 

LESTER: ...people hiding out in a town of, what, 4 million people... 
ON TV, a wild-eyed woman in the crowd (in one of the most widely-played clips of the hostage crisis) makes an axfalling gesture with her arm repeatedly.

LESTER: ...all of whom chant "Death to America" 

LESTER: ...all the livelong day. You want to set up a movie in a week. 

LESTER: You want to lie to Hollywood, a town where... 

LESTER: ...everybody lies for a living. Then you're gonna sneak 007 over here... 

LESTER: ...into a country that wants CIA blood... 

LESTER: ...on their breakfast cereal... 

LESTER: ...and you're gonna walk the Brady Bunch out of the most watched city in the world. 

TONY: Plus, about a hundred militia at the airport. That's right. 

LESTER: Right. 

LESTER: Look, I gotta tell you. We did suicide missions in the Army that had better odds than this. So lemme hit it again for the cheap seats: NO.
Chambers gives Mendez a look.
CHAMBERS: (to Lester, as he gets up) Enjoy your fish dinner tonight.
Chambers stops at the muted television. More images of angry crowds.

MAID: Sir, the car is here. 

(CROWD CHANTING ON TV) 

JOHN: You ever think, Lester, how this is all for the cameras?
Siegel looks at the TV: at that moment, a HOSTAGE TAKER *
holding up photos of hostages for CAMERAS in front of
him. He takes a beat. 

LESTER: Well, they're getting the ratings, I'll say that for... 

LESTER: ...them.

LESTER: We're gonna need a script.
A beat of silence. A LOOK from Siegel to Chambers.

Argo

Words by Chris Terrio

Pictures by Rodrigo Prieto and Ben Affleck

Argo is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Warner Home Video.

* Green Book.