This one is being posted a little later because it's rough. Really rough.
And, one should mention that it contains SPOILERS.
The Set-Up: Richard made me do it.
That would be Richard Kirkham, of "Kirkham Movie a Day" and host of the weekly "Lambcast", who suggested to me that "the monologue from Pearl" would make a great scene. I'd heard of it. Richard raved about it. A lot of people raved about it—I've seen a lot of videos of people recreating it on-line. For awhile, "Pearl's Monologue" would show up on my News Feeds and never leave me alone.
Plus...when Richard described it he said it was "13 minutes long!" which was a little daunting (it's not...it's 8 minutes long...still, that's a lot of screen-caps).
But, ultimately, it was Mia Goth that made me do it. Heard she was good? Nope. She's stunning. And count me among the people who think she should have been nominated for a "Best Performance By an Actress" Oscar last year. But, it's a horror movie. More damning, it's a "slasher" movie about an axe murderer, so no respectable Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will allow it. Just like they didn't with Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster for Silence of the Lambs (they won...and it won "Best Picture, Screenplay, and Director). And they didn't with Bette Davis for Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (she lost).
More than likely, they hadn't seen it. And Mia Goth isn't "a name" yet. And it's a very independent movie (but so was Everything Everywhere All at Once...as well as the past couple Best Picture winners).
Yeah, they hadn't seen it.
They would have seen Goth walking a tight-rope for 8 minutes doing a monologue in one exquisite, excruciating "take"—no cut-away's—as her axe-murdering farm-wife dervishes through so many emotions in a moment of role-playing honesty and we get to spend a few minutes in her impulse-addicted head—pity, self-loathing, longing, hatred, remorse, regret—a flicker of pride—helplessness, rationalization (a lot of rationalization), bitter, honest. For once, honest. She is at the bottom of a well. And she can't get out.
One never forgets that she's an axe murderer...but...one can't look away from the raw-to-the-bone desperation that Goth seems to exude from her pores, and the slightest creep of empathy chills you as you remember a time when you felt trapped, whatever the circumstance, and hadn't found a way out yet.
For Pearl, there is no way out. So she strikes out. Like a wild animal. Fight...or flight that's embedded so deep in the brain, you couldn't dig it out.
And all because, she has no choice.
The Story: As the country is dealing with an influenza epidemic and soldiers overseas fighting in the first World War, Pearl (Mia Goth) is stuck on her immigrant family's farmin Texas, her husband away in the Army, her father an invalid, and her Mother a tyrant.But, Pearl, enchanted with the movies, wants a better life than the one she's stuck in, and has auditioned for a dancing role in a traveling troupe. She didn't get it. And now, her last hope dashed, she is being consoled by her sister-in-law, Mitzi (Emma Jenkins-Purro), who encouraged her to audition against Pearl's mother's objections.
Action.
Mitzy: What's really the matter?
Pearl: I don't feel...
Pearl: ...well.
Mitzy: You're not comin' down with something, are you?
Pearl: No,
Pearl: it's nothing like that.
Mitzy: [breathes sigh of relief]
Oh, thank goodness.
Mitzy: If I snuck out of the house and ended up bringing
home another bug or germ, my mother and father...
Mitzy: ...would just kill me.
Pearl: I'm worried there may be something really wrong with me, Mitzy.
Mitzy: How do you mean?
Pearl: Seems like there's something missing in me...
Pearl: ...that the rest of the world has.
Mitzy: Have you told Howard?
Pearl: [shakes her head] I've never spoken about it out loud
Pearl: to anyone.
Pearl: I'm so afraid of what people might think.
Mitzy: Pearl,
Mitzy: Howard's your husband.
Mitzy: He adores you.
Mitzy: You shouldn't be afraid to tell him how you feel.
Pearl: I'm scared of what I might say.
Mitzy: Well, practice on me first, then.
[smiles]
Mitzy: Pretend I'm Howard and you say whatever's on your mind.
Pearl: I can't.
Mitzy: Yes, you can.
Mitzy: Go on. Get it all out.
Pearl: [quietly] Really?
Mitzy: Yes!
Mitzy: Trust me.
[Pearl pauses and closes her eyes]
PEARL: Howard...
Mitzy: Go ahead, Pearl.
Pearl: I hate you so much for leaving me here, sometimes I hope you die.
Pearl: I'm sorry.
Pearl: I feel awful admitting that, but it's the truth.
Pearl: I was curious about other men.
Pearl: I'm sure you don't want to hear about a stranger satisfying your wife, and I swear it was only once. It was a mistake.
Pearl: It wasn't him that I wanted. I know that now. And I wish things could just go back to the way they were
Pearl: before, but I don't see how they could,
Pearl: not after the things I've done.
Mitzy: [cautiously] What else... have you done, Pearl?
Pearl: Oh, Howard.
Pearl: I realize how this all must sound.
Pearl: Honestly, there was a time I was flattered to have someone as handsome as you pine over me.
Pearl: You're such a good person. I know that. I made sure to always be mindful with your heart. I never wanted you to feel jealous. It's an awful feeling like a rot, the way it just twists and turns at your insides.
Pearl: I know that aching so well.
Pearl: I feel it. Whenever I see others whose lives come easy because...
Pearl: ...the truth is, I'm not really a good person.
Mitzy: [now totally spooked, but feigning a smile] Pearl, I think I should...
Pearl: The reason I kept my eyes to the ground around other
Pearl: men was never to avoid hurting you. It's because I understood how lucky I was to have your attention.
Pearl: I may be a poor farm girl, Howard, but I'm not
Pearl: stupid. I spotted you the moment you came to live with us. You worked hard like the other farmhands, but you were different. You're from somewhere.
Pearl: A nice, comfortable place that you could return to whenever you wanted.
Pearl: I'm so desperate to have that.
Pearl: All my life, I've wanted off this farm and you were my ticket out.
Pearl: So... I made sure to never let you see who I really was.
Pearl: It worked like a charm, too. Then
Pearl: when you finally brought me back to your home to meet your family, it was just as I hoped.
Pearl: A life straight out of the pictures. At least that's what it felt like to me.
Pearl: And you didn't want it.
Pearl: You just wanted to stay here on our farm, and that made me so angry.
Pearl: How could you?
Pearl: I'm certain you knew I hated it, you must've. How could you be so selfish and cruel after all I've done to make you happy?
Pearl: I was even pregnant with your baby.
Pearl: I never wanted to be a mother.
Pearl: I loathed the feeling of it growing inside me. It felt like sickness.
Pearl: Pulling and sucking on me like some needy animal in a barn.
Pearl: How could I be responsible for another life?
Pearl: Life terrifies me.
Pearl: It's harsh, and bleak, and draining.
Pearl: I was so relieved when it died. It was one less weight keeping me trapped here,
Pearl: but then the war came and you left me, too.
Pearl: Why did you leave me, Howard?
Pearl: I hate feeling like this. So pathetic.
Pearl:Do people like you ever feel this way?
Pearl:I figure you don't. You seem so perfect all the time.
Pearl:Lord must've been generous to you.
Pearl:He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why. What did I do?
Pearl:What is wrong with me? Please, just tell me so maybe I can get better.
Pearl:I don't want to end up like Mama.
Pearl: I want to be dancing up on the screen like the pretty gals in the pictures.
Pearl: I want what they have so badly, to be perfect, to be loved from as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering.
Pearl: Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and the fear washes over me, 'cause what if this is it?
Pearl: What if this is right where I belong?
Pearl:I'm a failure.
Pearl:I'm not pretty or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I'm not smart, or funny, or confident. I'm exactly what Mama said I was, weak.
Pearl: I don't know why. What did I do? Why wasn't my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I'm so scared that when you finally come home, you'll see me and be frightened like everyone else is.
Pearl: I know what I've done, the bad things, terrible, awful, murderous things.
Pearl: I regret them now, but I liked how they felt. I wish I didn't, but I did.
Pearl: At first, it was only animals smaller than myself. Nothing with feelings.
Pearl: Nothing that could hurt me back.
Pearl: It felt good.
Pearl: Killing's easier than you think, till recently with Mama and the boy from the picture house.
Pearl:They were different. They were more meaningful.
Pearl: I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer,
Pearl: but poor Daddy didn't deserve that. I wish I hadn't done what I did.
Pearl: Mama meant well. She had a hard life. She only wanted a home to feel safe in. I can see that.
Pearl:I thought I hated her, but I just want to feel safe, too.
Pearl: Lord... I made such a mess of things.
Pearl: I don't know how much more I can take.
Pearl: I need to clean this up. All of it. I need to make things right before you see me again.
Pearl: Maybe if I can turn this farm into a home for us like you wanted, things will finally be different.
Pearl: I can forgive.
Pearl: I can be who you want me to be if you'll just stay with me.
Pearl: Would you do that, please?
Pearl: I can't be all by myself anymore. It's too hard.
Pearl: We can love each other. I'll do that for you if you really meant all that "till death do us part."
Pearl: It'd be enough, just you and me here on this farm.
Pearl:All I really want is to be loved.
Pearl:I'm having such a hard time without it lately.
