Don't Make a Scene: Once Upon a Time in the West (Abridged)

The Set-Up: Aw, hell...

I was going to so an April First post. Personally, nothing's really funny right now. Last year, for a "foolie," we did the Screen Junkies parody of 2001: a Space Odyssey. A couple years ago, there was a look at an unfinished Bergman film that never saw the light of day, and one year, I did a "Don't Make a Scene" of the "Dawn of Man" sequence from 2001.

I make fun of because I love.

This post happened by accident. Now, that there's actually time in the day to stay at home and "plan," we've been doing "theme weeks" and, for the next two weeks we're doing westerns, revisiting classics, and finishing drafts of things I've had had stacked up for awhile. Next Sunday, our "Don't Scene" is Once Upon a Time in the West, one of my favorite movies.

Do you think I could find a script or a screenplay to transcribe/borrow/steal for it? Nope. And, for a movie like Leone's epic, a transcription is a bit of a joke—the first 15 minutes of the thing has 13 lines (One of them is "Shhh.")

But, I did come across "an abridged" version on a site called "The Editing Room" (they've been around longer than Google—they say), a Creative Commons site. Their "abridged" version of the movie's opening is part SNL sketch, part Mad Magazine parody. I read it and I saw the frames to use in my head. I had to do it, pandemic be damned.

I make fun of because I love.

The Scene: Well, nothing's happened yet. The movie's just beginning...

Action.

FADE IN: EXT. TRAIN STATION 

ONCE UPON A TIME, in THE WEST, 

gunslingers WOODY STRODE, JACK ELAM, and AL MULOCK gather at a TRAIN STATION. 

WOODY STRODE (to the station manager, slowly) What time’s the next train come in? 

STATION MANAGER (thinks, slowly) About ten minutes. 

JACK ELAM (nods, slowly) I guess we’ll take our positions, then the scene can cut to right before the train gets here. 

AL MULOCK (shakes head, slowly) Now, Jack, you know this is a Sergio Leone movie. Obviously every single second of that ten minutes is going to happen right here on screen. 

JACK ELAM (sighs, slowly) I guess you have a point. Fine, let’s wait in silence for ten minutes. 

JACK ELAM Maybe we can fill in the time by having our own little mini-adventures happen in the meanwhile. 

JACK ELAM Mine will literally be about a fly landing on me. (sits, slowly) 

WOODY STRODE And I will remain perfectly motionless for the majority of mine. (does nothing, slowly) 

Time TRANSPIRES. 

Eventually this has happened sufficiently for the TRAIN to arrive. 

CHARLES BRONSON disembarks. 

CHARLES BRONSON Hi folks. So after all that buildup, it’s time for your standard Leone shootout. 

JACK ELAM Ah, you mean the kind where everybody stands around staring at each other for an extended period of time until suddenly-

EVERYBODY SHOOTS THEIR GUNS AT THE SAME TIME. 
JACK, WOODY, and AL all drop dead, while CHARLES is only GRAZED. 

CHARLES BRONSON Oof, my shooting arm now must be put in a sling! That sure is going to hamper my ability to... 

CHARLES BRONSON ...naaah, you know what I’m just gonna take the sling back off in my next scene and be fine.

Once Upon a Time in the West

Screenplay by Sergio Leone, Sergio Donati, Bernardo Bertolucci, and Dario Argento (abridged by Craig)

Pictures by Tonino Delli Cotti and Sergio Leone

Once Upon a Time in the West is available (unabridged) from Paramount Home Video.

Oh, and one more thing...