The Story: More Marx Brothers, because, why not? Again, the best representation is the clip at the bottom of the page, rather than my pathetic attempts to capture the humor of it. Timing and the inability to capture Groucho's constant winging and hoofing at a frame at a time. Impossible! Madness! Appropriate, as it is the Marx Brothers, after all. They were, in Andrew Sarris' view an anarchic presence, mad men in a sane world, but sane with pomposity, hypocrisy and duplicity, all bubbles that the Marxes circled with knives. Plots would be foiled, romances would bloom, the world would turn right because of their presence, even if you didn't quite know how. Here, Groucho, with the aid of brother Zeppo (playing Capt. Spaulding's secretary Horatio Jamison), skewer both lawyerly formality, obfuscating pro forma, and the rules of punctuation, as he dictates a letter to his lawyer—that never gets written, and never gets sent. It's just as well because the letter doesn't "say" anything, so bogged down in introduction that it never comes to the conclusion...unless it's to say that Captain Spaulding exists (at least as of June 9th). It's a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. Which is what a good deal of the judiciary is, anyway. I wonder what the Marx Brothers would do with the Internet and Social Media. Probably toss it out the window. Using Windows.™ If I want to turn it off, I have to go the "Start" menu? Maybe they designed it! The Set-Up: The garden party in honor of Captain Jeffrey Spaulding—the African Explorer—(Groucho Marx) has turned into a disaster! The unveiling of the prized painting "After the Hunt" has been spoiled by the masterpiece being stolen! And the distraught hostess Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) has sent for the police, the idea of which causes the guest of honor some proper embarrassment (and some improper embarrassment, which is the best kind). To wit:
BUTLER The police are here, madam.
- MRS. RITTENHOSE Oh, the police. Have them come in.
CAPT. SPAULDING Oh, so that's your game, is it? Well, you can't shut me up! MRS. RITTENHOUSE Captain...
CAPT. SPAULDING Nooo, you can talk to my attorney.
CAPT. SPAULDING Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers.
I'll show you a thing or two.
Or three.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll show you a thing or three. MRS. RITTENHOUSE Oh, Captain...
CAPT.SPAULDING Sending for the police!
Take a letter to my lawyers.
Sending for the police, eh? I said, take a letter to my lawyers.
- JAMISON I am taking it.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, read me what you have so far.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga,
c/ o Hungadunga, Hungadunga,
Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormack.
CAPT. SPAULDING Semicolon. JAMISON How do you spell "semicolon"?
-
CAPT. SPAULDING Alright, make it a comma.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga, care of Hungadunga, Hungerr, Hungerr, McCormack.
CAPT. SPAULDING Gentlemen, question mark. Er-r-r! JAMISON Do you want that "er-r-r" in the letter?
- CAPT. SPAULDING No, put that in an envelope. Now then...
CAPT. SPAULDING In re yours of the 5th inst,
yours to hand and beg to rep...brackets...that uh, we have gone over the ground
carefully and we seem to believe,
i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu,
that uh, despite all our precautionary
measures which have been involved, uhhhh, we seem to believe that it is hardly
necessary for us to proceed
unless we uh, receive an ipso facto
that is not negligible at this moment.
Quotes, unquotes and quotes.
CAPT. SPAULDING Uh. Hoping this finds you, I beg to...
- JAMISON Hoping this finds him where? CAPT. SPAULDING Let him worry about that.
Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison.
CAPT. SPAULDING Sneak!
CAPT. SPAULDING I said, hoping this finds you,
I beg to remain as of June 9th, Cordially yours, regards...That's all, Jamison.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll show you where I get off.
Sending for the police. (scoffs)
CAPT. SPAULDING Now, read me the letter, Jamison. JAMISON "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga."
CAPT. SPAULDING You've left out a Hungadunga.
You left out the main one, too.
CAPT. SPAULDING Thought you could slip one
over on me, didn't you, ehhh?
Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead.
CAPT. SPAULDING I'll tell you what you do, Jamison. I tell you what. Uh, make it three
windshield wipers and one Hungadunga.
They won't all be there
when the letter arrives anyhow.
JAMISON "Gentlemen, question mark." CAPT. SPAULDING "Gentleman, question mark?"Put it on the penultimate
and not on the dipthonic.
You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him. JAMISON "In re yours of the 5th inst."
- CAPT. SPAULDING I see.
JAMISON Now, uh, you said a lot of things here that weren't
important, so I just omitted them.
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Really!
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Oh Captain!
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Good gracious. Oh my!
CAPT. SPAULDING So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted
the body of the letter, that's all.
CAPT. SPAULDING You just left out the body of the letter, that's all.
Yours is not to reason why, Jamison!
CAPT. SPAULDING You've left out the body.
Alright, send it that way
and tell him the body will follow. JAMISON You want the body in brackets?
CAPT. SPAULDING No, it'll never get there in brackets.
Put it in a box.
Put it in a box
and mark it uh, 'fragilly'. JAMISON Mark it what?
-
CAPT. SPAULDING Mark it 'Fragilly!' F-R-A-G...
Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary! Look under 'fragile'.
CAPT. SPAULDING Look under the table
if you don't find it there. JAMISON "Quotes, unquotes and quotes."
- CAPT. SPAULDING That's 3 quotes? - JAMISON Yes, sir.
CAPT. SPAULDING Add another and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison? JAMISON Regards.
-
CAPT. SPAULDING "Regards" That's a fine letter, Jamison.
That's an epic. That's dandy.
CAPT. SPAULDING Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away.
Just send a stamp. Air mail. That's all. You may go, Jamison.
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