Don't Make a Scene: Addams Family Values

The Story: Oh, I know. I know. Things can get a little frustrating. Especially in these times. And they're only going to get worse. We just don't know it yet.

 

But, c'mon. Making a scene is not going to solve anything. It just makes a scene. And such things usually come with consequences. Or, at least, they should (although not so much in this day and age).

 

So...this scene from Addams Family Values, one of those few sequels better than the original. 

 

The Set-up: The Addamses are in crisis. With the birth of the newest of the spawn, Pubert, Gomez (Raul Julia) and Morticia (Anjelica Huston) are forced to hire a nanny (Joan Cusack)—always problematic—and said nanny has seduced and married Gomez's uncle, Fester (Christopher Lloyd). Gomez sees this as a crime against Nature (although he usually likes such things...).

 

Action.

 

114A INT. POLICE STATION 

ANGLE on a long-suffering POLICE SERGEANT,seated behind the precinct house's main desk. He swigs from a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. 

SERGEANT I'm warning you. I've had a bleeding ulcer. I have kidney stones. And I have a headache. Don't push me. 

GOMEZ (quietly, tenderly) Of course, officer. I have but one single request. 

SERGEANT Yeah? 

GOMEZ I demand...

GOMEZ ...justice! Someone has married my brother! 

SERGEANT No!

GOMEZ She took him to... 

GOMEZ ...Hawaii! 

SERGEANT (humoring him) Get outta here. 

GOMEZ They have moved into a large, expensive home, 

GOMEZ where they make love constantly! 

SERGEANT You got proof? Polaroids? I HATE when that happens...

GOMEZ Arrest her! At once! Without delay! 

SERGEANT Who? 

GOMEZ Debbie! My brother's wife! The temptress of Waikiki! 

Thing strides onto the desk, and bangs his fist for emphasis. SERGEANT (studying Thing) Don't I know you? 

GOMEZ (to Thing) Thing? 

SERGEANT Lousy pickpocket! Why, I oughta ... 

(Thing scurries off the desk) 

SERGEANT Lemme get this straight - You want this babe arrested, because she and your brother are having too much fun? 

GOMEZ (barely able to say the words) They have ... a lawn. 

GRANNY And a mailbox! 

MORTICIA They mow.

GOMEZ Have you heard enough? 

SERGEANT (staring at Gomez and the family) Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock? 

GOMEZ Officer, you must issue a subpoena! I believe they own - 

MORTICIA (interrupting him) Gomez! No! 

GOMEZ A Buick. 

SERGEANT Just leave. Leave quietly.  

SERGEANT Leave now. 

SERGEANT Don't make me call Ringling Brothers. 

GOMEZ (staggering backwards clutching his head) Has the planet gone mad? 

GOMEZ My brother - 

GOMEZ - passion's hostage! 

GOMEZ I seek justice

 - 

GOMEZ denied!  

GOMEZ (pulling himself together, and speaking to the entire room) I shall not submit! 

GOMEZ I shall conquer! I shall rise! 

GOMEZ My name is Gomez Addams, 

GOMEZ and I have seen evil! 

Granny proudly holds up the baby. 

GOMEZ I have seen 

GOMEZ horror! 

Lurch smiles shyly, and perhaps gives a little wave to the crowd. 

GOMEZ I have seen...

GOMEZ ...the unholy maggots which feast in the darkest recesses of the human soul! 

MORTICIA (graciously, to the crowd) They're at camp. 

GOMEZ I have seen all this, officer, 

GOMEZ but until today I had never seen 

GOMEZ - YOU! 

SERGEANT (to the bailiff) Hook 'em. Book 'em. Cook 'em. 

SERGEANT NOW!! 

 

Addams Family Values

 

Words by Paul Rudnick

 

Pictures by Donald Peterman and Barry Sonnenfeld

 

Addams Family Values is available on DVD and Blu-Ray and 4K UHD from Paramount Home Video.