Blogging By Cinema-light: Don't Make a Scene: Barbie (2023)

The Story: March is Women's History Month in "the States" seeing how International Women's Day is March 8th. I worry (frequently) that this blog is too male-oriented (Full Disclosure: I'm a male, so...) and too Hollywood-centric (yeah, it is, but I'm working on it... and it's not THAT Hollywood-centric...even though today's post certainly is).

To celebrate, here is this scene from Barbie, last year's highest earning movie with $1,445,638,421—that's with a "B"—clanging around in the bank. Warner Bros. Studio can make an awful lot of bad movies with that chunk of change (and I'm sure they will...they used to be so good!). And I'm sure the Mattel Co. is looking around for some other junk-toy they can build a franchise-movie around (Did I mention that the 2nd highest earner was The Super Mario Bros. Movie?).

But, Barbie had other ambitions, under Margot Robbie's producership and Greta Gerwig's creativity. Sure, they'd celebrate "Barbie" in all its eccentricities over the years. But, they'd also say something about being a woman in "a man's world." And in so doing, co-opt the protests that "the doll-thing" objectified women and presented an unrealistic body-image, and, instead, represented a doll "that could do or be anything." It was "aspirational" in its play—which is probably why the protestors were criticizing it—they've forgotten how to have fun (without feeling guilty about it, anyway!)

And the movie was fun. And satiric. And made its points without ruffling too many feathers, bless its seditious little heart. I found it a little revolutionary, but with a big smile on its face.

And the highlight was "The Speech." America Ferrera's monologue about how "it's literally impossible to be a woman!" bracketed by some of the giddiest moments in the movie (and containing my favorite line—"It was like I was in some dream where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League." (OWTCH! I'll bet THAT left a mark!).

I had to do it. And I had to do it as soon as possible.

Barbie may not have won the Best Picture Oscar. But, it also shared—with the one that won—the idea of blowing things up. Real good.

The Set-Up: It is a dark time for Barbie Land! After their trip to The Real World to find the child who has been playing (and messing with) "Prototypical Barbie" (Margot Robbie), and Ken (Ryan Gosling) return to Barbie Land and Ken, influenced by the patriarchal structure of The Real World has made some changes. Now, Real World Gloria (America Ferrera) and her daughter Sasha (Ariana Greenblatt) have journeyed to Barbie Land, only to find that the Barbies have taken refuge at the Weird-Barbie (Kate McKinnon) House.

Action!

I haven't messed with the screenplay as written by Gerwig and Baumbach much. This is truly as it is written, even the asides.Yes, they really called Margot Robbie's character BARBIE MARGOT. Deletions are ~~crossed out~~. Additions are added in green.

The sound of footsteps grow louder.

Until finally Gloria, Sasha and Allan are standing there.

WEIRD BARBIE Hello!

WEIRD BARBIE HUMANS!

BARBIES: (coming out of hiding) It's okay we're fine...
ALLAN AND ALLAN!

BARBIES (indifferent disappointment)

The lights go on and they all emerge out of their random hiding places. Barbie Margot half clocks Gloria and Sasha and tries to pull herself away, out of their sight.

WEIRD BARBIE (to Sasha and Gloria) Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse
WEIRD BARBIE - I’m Weird Barbie.

WEIRD BARBIE I’m in the splits, have a funky hair cut

WEIRD BARBIE and I smell like basement.

GLORIA OH MY GOD I HAD A WEIRD BARBIE!

WEIRD BARBIE Yeah you did.

GLORIA YOU MAKE THEM WEIRD BY PLAYING TOO HARD!

WEIRD BARBIE So Cool.

Again, we take in the group as Gloria identifies each one --

GLORIA That’s Sugar Daddy Ken!

GLORIA And Earring Magic Ken!

GLORIA Mattel discontinued them...

SASHA Sugar Daddy Ken? ~~WTF~~?

SUGAR DADDY KEN No, no, I’m not a Sugar Daddy.

SUGAR DADDY KEN This is Sugar. (holding up a dog) And I’m her Daddy.

EARRING MAGIC KEN And I have an earring.

EARRING MAGIC KEN A magic earring.

GLORIA (to Sasha) Yeah, those were actual Kens.

GLORIA (identifying all of them) And-- more discontinued Barbies!!

GLORIA Growing Up Skipper?!

GLORIA May I?

GROWING UP SKIPPER Okay!

GLORIA (to Sasha) Watch this!

Gloria lifts Growing Up Skipper’s arm and her boobs inflate. This is as weird as it sounds.

GLORIA See! Her boobs grow!

SASHA (aghast) Why would they do that?

Gloria continues down the line of discontinued Barbies.

GLORIA And Barbie Video Girl!

BARBIE VIDEO GIRL I have a TV in my back.

BARBIE VIDEO GIRL You know whose dream...

BARBIE VIDEO GIRL ...that is? Nobody. It’s nobody’s dream.

WEIRD BARBIE And that’s Barbie Barbie,

WEIRD BARBIE ...of course...

WEIRD BARBIE ...she’s not dead she’s just having an existential crisis.

Gloria and Sasha walk over to Barbie Margot who hasn’t gotten very far. She just presses her face to the ground. Gloria turns her over.

GLORIA Okay, c'mon!

Barbie Margot hides her face with her hands.

GLORIA Hey...

Gloria gently moves them away. And there is unadorned Barbie Margot, no makeup, nothing special just her (which WE KNOW is INSANELY BEAUTIFUL, don’t worry.) Barbie Margot totally falls apart weeping. Like a toddler crying.

GLORIA What’s wrong?

BARBIE MARGOT (between sobs) I’m... not...

BARBIE MARGOT pretty... any... more...

GLORIA What?

GLORIA You’re SO pretty.

BARBIE MARGOT (shaking her head) Not “Stereotypical Barbie” pretty...

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.) (interrupting) Note to the filmmakers: ~~You should have never cast~~ Margot Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you wanted to make this point.

GLORIA You are beautiful.

BARBIE MARGOT ... it’s not just that...

BARBIE MARGOT I’m not smart enough to be interesting...

GLORIA But you ARE smart.

BARBIE MARGOT I can’t do brain surgery,

BARBIE MARGOT I’ve never flown a plane,

BARBIE MARGOT I’m not president, no one on the Supreme Court is me...

BARBIE MARGOT I’m just... not... good... enough...

BARBIE MARGOT ...for... anything ...

She sobs bitterly.

Gloria shakes her head, feels deeply:

GLORIA IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A WOMAN!

GLORIA You are so beautiful...

GLORIA ...and so smart...

GLORIA ...and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough.

GLORIA Like we have to always be extraordinary...

GLORIA ...and somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

GLORIA You’re supposed to be THIN but not ...

GLORIA ...TOO THIN and you can never say you want to be...

GLORIA ...THIN you have to say you want to be HEALTHY...

GLORIA ...but you also have to BE thin.

GLORIA You have to have money...

GLORIA ...but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass.

GLORIA You have to be a boss but you can’t be...

GLORIA ...mean. You’re supposed to...

GLORIA ...lead but you can’t squash...

GLORIA ...other people’s ideas.

GLORIA You’re supposed to LOVE being a mother

GLORIA but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time.

GLORIA You’re supposed to be a career woman but always be looking out for other people.

GLORIA You have to answer for men’s...

GLORIA ...bad behavior, which is INSANE,

GLORIA but if you point that out then you’re accused of complaining.

GLORIA You’re supposed to be pretty for men but not SO pretty that you...

GLORIA ...tempt them too much or threaten other women. You’re supposed to be part of the sisterhood...

GLORIA ...but also stand out but also always be grateful.

GLORIA But never forget that the...

GLORIA ...system is rigged so find a way to acknowledge that...

GLORIA ...but ALSO ALWAYS be grateful.

GLORIA You have to never get old

GLORIA never be rude never show off never be selfish never fall down never fail never show fear never get out of line.

GLORIA It’s too hard,

GLORIA it’s too contradictory and no one says thank you or gives you a medal,

GLORIA ...and in fact, it turns out, somehow, that not only are you doing it all wrong but that everything is also YOUR fault.

GLORIA I’m just so damn tired of watching myself...

GLORIA ...and every single other women tie ourselves in knots so that...

GLORIA people will like us.

GLORIA And if all that is also true for a...

GLORIA ...doll just representing a woman...

GLORIA ...then...

GLORIA I don’t even know!

Exhausted, she sits down.

Allan is in tears, they all are. Maybe a slow clap? And then:

BARBIE ALEXANDRA Wait, I did write a book. (rubbing her eyes)

BARBIE ALEXANDRA It was like I was in some dream...

BARBIE ALEXANDRA ...where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League. (shaking her head, looking to Gloria)

BARBIE ALEXANDRA But what you said -

BARBIE ALEXANDRA it broke me out of it.

GLORIA Really?!

BARBIE ALEXANDRA Yeah.

WEIRD BARBIE She’s back!

WEIRD BARBIE You’re back!

Sasha looks at her mom like she’s seeing her for the first time. She is proud. Barbie Margot stands up. And we MOVE in on her pure, tear- streaked face.

BARBIE MARGOT By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy,

BARBIE MARGOT you robbed it of it’s power.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA Yes.

Gloria, Sasha and everyone else turns to Barbie Margot:

BARBIE MARGOT (surprised and impressed) Woah, I just said all of that.

SASHA Hell yes,

SASHA ...White Savior Barbie!

BARBIE MARGOT No, it was your Mom.

BARBIE MARGOT She did the saving.

Sasha fist bumps her.

Barbie Margot is amazed. She suddenly has new authority, a deeper voice, from a place of real knowing, like Olivia de Havilland at the end of “The Heiress.” (Now, go watch that movie!)

BARBIE MARGOT We have to stop the Kens.

BARBIE MARGOT (to Gloria) You’ve got to say those things to all the other Barbies. That’s the key.

GLORIA Got it.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA How will we get them away from their Kens?

SASHA We have experience with a world like this one.

BARBIE MARGOT (to Weird Barbie) Do you have a map of Barbie Land?

WEIRD BARBIE (triumphantly) What do you think.

A large 3D map of Barbie Land opens up

(like a Murphy bed) from the wall.

BARBIE MARGOT Wow.

WEIRD BARBIE Thanks. I built it.

CUT TO: HEIST MONTAGE. We see the execution of the plan as Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha lay out the details. (You know that thing, you’ve seen it in every heist movie ever!)

BARBIE MARGOT Here’s the deal.