Don't Make a Scene: A Christmas Story

The Story: It's a little late to do a Christmas scene seeing as how Christmas arrived on a Saturday. Next year, a properly-timed Christmas scene for this Sunday feature (Hmmm. Maybe Die Hard)

But it is the day after Christmas—my father's birthday and we were always reminded that it was improper to fold the two into one celebration as My Old Man had had enough of that in his life, thank you very much.

It is also the traditional day when people minimize the damage done on the Holiday by returning presents that are the wrong size, the wrong color, or are just plain wrong—to prevent unnecessary hassle, it was a tradition in our house that all presents came with receipts, as my mother was in retail, thus speeding up the return process.

The day after Christmas—Boxing Day in the UK—was the traditional time to do that. It was better to get the embarrassing mistake out of the house as quickly as possible and never speak of it again. Things would then return to some kind of normalcy, all wrongs being righted or written off.

Ralphie and his bunny suit from A Christmas Story came immediately to mind for a scene on this day, with which I wish you clement conditions and short waiting periods.

 

Oh. And many happy returns!

 

The Set-Up: Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) has completed his OCD gauntlet of trying to ensure the gift of a Red Ryder BB gun from Santa for Christmas. And the Holy Day has finally arrived. 

 

But, there is one more challenge to face.

 

Action!

 

NARRATOR Christmas had come. Officially. 

NARRATOR We plunged into the cornucopia, quivering with desire... 

NARRATOR ...and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice. 

THE OLD MAN Didn't I get a tie this year? 

RANDY A zeppelin! 

THE OLD MAN ...A can of Simonize. 

MOTHER Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you? Show everybody. 

RALPHIE I don't want to. 

MOTHER Ralphie, show everybody what Aunt Clara gave you. 

NARRATOR Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that... I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl. 

MOTHER She just always gives you...  

MOTHER ...the nicest things, Ralphie. 

MOTHER Ooooh...

MOTHER ...isn't that sweet? 

MOTHER Ralph, go upstairs and try it on you-- 

RALPHIE I don't want to! 

MOTHER Go upstairs right now and try on that present! 

MOTHER She went to all that trouble to make it! Now go on. 

MOTHER While Ralphie is changing, I'm going to play Santa Claus. 

MOTHER Now, let me see what can I find. I see something! 

MOTHER Randy. This is for you, honey. 

MOTHER And this is for Daddy. 

MOTHER Here. 

MOTHER From me to you.  

THE OLD MAN (squeakily) Thanks a lot. 

THE OLD MAN I wonder what it could be? Only one way to find out, isn't there? 

THE OLD MAN Well, it's a blue ball! 

THE OLD MAN It's a bowling ball. 

THE OLD MAN Thank you, darling. 

MOTHER Do you like it?  

THE OLD MAN Yes! Very much! Very much. 

MOTHER Ralphie. We're waiting. 

RALPHIE Oh, come on, Mom. 

MOTHER  Right now! 

NARRATOR Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies... 

NARRATOR ...with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me. 

MOTHER Come down here so I can see you better. 

NARRATOR I just hoped that Flick would never spot them as the word of this humiliation... 

NARRATOR ...could easily make life at Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell. 

MOTHER Oh...

MOTHER Isn't that cute? 

MOTHER That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life.

Randy laughs

RALPHIE Shut up, Randy. 

THE OLD MAN He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. 

Randy laughs harder

MOTHER He does not! 

THE OLD MAN He does, too. He looks like a pink nightmare. 

THE OLD MAN Are you happy wearing that?

Ralphie shakes his head vigorously.

THE OLD MAN Do you want to take it off?

Ralphie nods his head more vigorously.

THE OLD MAN You tell the kid to take it off. 

MOTHER Alright.

MOTHER You'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits. 

MOTHER Go on and take it off. 

THE OLD MAN Take it off!

 

A Christmas Story

 

Words by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark

 

Pictures by Reginald H. Morris and Bob Clark

 

A Christmas Story is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Warner Home Entertainment.