Don't Make a Scene: Animal Crackers (1930)

The Story: Amazing the things you come across watching movies.

There's an interesting spot in Animal Crackers, the second Marx Bros. movie (and the personal favorite of Julius...er, Groucho) where the movie goes surrealistic. The Marx Brothers were always walking the razor blade between the possible and the impossible and, in fact, if anybody acted like they did in real life (whatever THAT is), they would either be in jail, in an asylum or in the Senate. People in Marx Brothers movies put up with the Marx Brothers because they are scripted to. And presumably paid to.

But surrealism. 

Right in the middle of a Groucho love scene, he starts speaking of Eugene O'Neill and his play "Strange Interlude" which was produced by the Theater Guild starting January 30, 1928. In it, O'Neill mixed dialogue with monologue, giving audiences a look into the private thoughts of the characters on stage, as they would address the audience with what they were REALLY thinking while they were making small talk on-stage. The play would eventually win the Pulitzer Prize and the hearts of the Marx Brothers...or George S. Kaufman. After the most innocuous of mentions of the source, Groucho turns to the audience and does a soliloquy about his thoughts...which probably 1/4 of the audience found funny.

But, I did. I also found it brilliant. But, I doubt I'd be able to sit through a staging of "Strange Interlude" without laughing.

The Set-Up: Here comes Captain Spaulding (the African explorer played by Groucho Marx) who shot an elephant in his pajamas—how he got in his pajamas we'll never know. The Captain is the Guest of Honor at a garden party thrown by Mrs. Rittenhouse (the stoic Margaret Dumont—who actually DID get the jokes, but maintained a strict "straight-man" role to allow for audience laughter), but the Captain is after bigger game...as he makes perfectly clear.

Action! (Yoo-hoo!)

CAPT. SPAULDING Mrs. Rittenhouse.

CAPT. SPAULDING Yee-hoo! Wa-hoo! Mrs. Rittenhouse!
MRS. RITTENOUSE Oh, Captain Spaulding! How are you? 

CAPT. SPAULDING Tell me. Are you alone? - 
MRS. RITTENOUSE Captain, I don't understand. 

CAPT. SPAULDING What, you don't understand being alone? Don't give me that innocent stuff or you'll be alone.
MRS. RITTENHOUSE: Well! 

CAPT. SPAULDING A big cluck like you turning cute on me!

CAPT. SPAULDING Mrs. Rittenhouse... - 

MRS. RITTENOUSE Yes?

CAPT. SPAULDING Oh, pardon, pardon me. You've been affected like this yourself, haven't you, at times? 

MRS. RITTENOUSE Oh no, Captain. - 
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, you will be.

CAPT. SPAULDING Mrs. Rittenhouse... Ever since I've met you, I've swept you off my feet.

CAPT. SPAULDING Something has been throbbing within me. Oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you. - 
MRS. RITTENOUSE What is it, Captain? 

CAPT. SPAULDING Would you wash out a pair of socks for me? - 
MRS. RITTENOUSE Captain, I'm surprised.
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, it may be a surprise to you, but it's been on my mind for weeks. It's just my way of telling you I love you, that's all. I love you. 
MRS. RITTENHOUSE Captain, Mrs. Whitehead!
CAPT. SPAULDING I love all of you!
MRS. WHITEHEAD I beg your pardon... 
CAPT. SPAULDING There's never been... -

MRS. WHITEHEAD I beg your pardon. Am I intruding? 
CAPT. SPAULDING Are you intruding? Just when I had her on the 5-yard line. I should say you were intruding. I should say you "are" intruding, pardon me. 

CAPT. SPAULDING I was using the subjunctive instead of the past tense. Yes, we're way past tents, we're living in bungalows now. This is a mechanical age, of course.
MRS. RITTENOUSE Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met Captain Spaulding, have you? 

MRS. WHITEHEAD Why, No, I haven't. How are you? - 
CAPT. SPAULDING How are you? - 
MRS. WHITEHEAD I'm fine, thank you. And how are you?
CAPT. SPAULDING And how are you? That leaves you one up. Did anyone ever tell you you had...beautiful eyes? - 
MRS. WHITEHEAD No-o-o. 
CAPT. SPAULDING Well, you ha-ave. And so have you. 

CAPT. SPAULDING He shot her a glance. As a smile played around his lips. Yes, I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. 

CAPT. SPAULDING You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blond and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I cra-aave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why, You've got beauty, charm, money!

CAPT. SPAULDING You have got money, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now. 
MRS. WHITEHEAD The Captain is charming, isn't he? - 
MRS. RITTENHOUSE I'm fascinated. 

CAPT. SPAULDING I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm. Fascinated, whim-wham! 

CAPT. SPAULDING If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you're very fortunate the Theater Guild isn't putting this on. And so is The Guild. 

CAPT. SPAULDING Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. 

CAPT. SPAULDING Aye, you couple of baboons, what makes you think I'd marry either one of you? Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a thin, eerie voice that reminds me of poor old Marsden. How happy I could be with either of these two, if both of them just went away. 

CAPT. SPAULDING Well, what d'ya say, girls? What d'ya say, will you marry me? 
MRS. RITTENOUSE But, Captain, which one of us? - 
CAPT. SPAULDING Both of you. Let's all get married. This is my party!

CAPT. SPAULDING Party... Party...

CAPT. SPAULDING Here I am talking of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. The world would be better for children if the parents had to eat the spinach.

CAPT. SPAULDING Well, what do you say, girls? What d'ya say, are we all gonna get married? -  

MRS. WHITEHEAD All of us? - 

CAPT. SPAULDING All of us. 

MRS. WHITEHEAD That's bigamy. - 

CAPT. SPAULDING Yes, and that's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody! Not even your grandfather.

CAPT. SPAULDING Think! Think of the honeymoon. Strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two, but no men. I may not go myself. 

MRS. RITTENOUSE Are you suggesting companionate marriage? 

CAPT. SPAULDING Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with your folks, and I could live with your folks. 

CAPT. SPAULDING And you? You could sell Fuller brushes. 

CAPT. SPAULDING Living with your folks... 

CAPT. SPAULDING Living with your folks, the beginning of the end. Drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows. Hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time, and in those corridors I see figures. Strange figures. Weird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138. 

CAPT. SPAULDING Well, let's see, where were we? Oh yes, we were about to get married. Well, what do you think? D'ya, d'ya think we really oughta get married? - 

MRS. RITTENOUSE I think marriage is a very noble institution.

SPAULDING whinnies 

MRS. WHITEHEAD It's the foundation of the American home. - 
CAPT. SPAULDING Yes, but the trouble is you can't enforce it. 

CAPT. SPAULDING It was put over on the American people while our boys were over there... 

CAPT. SPAULDING ....and our girls were over here. 

CAPT. SPAULDING I've waited at these stairs for years for just such a moment as this. 

MRS. RITTENOUSE Why, Captain, where are you going? - 

CAPT. SPAULDING I'm sorry, ladies, I'm sorry, we'll have to postpone the wedding for a few days. Maybe for a few years. Before I get married, I'm gonna sow a couple of wild oats. 

Animal Crackers (1930)

Words by George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind

Pictures by George Folsey and Victor Heerman

Animal Crackers is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Universal Pictures Home Entertainment.