Plan 9 From Outer Space

It's October (Hallowe'en month!) and Saturday is "Take Out the Trash" Day.

And here's somebody's idea of "The Worst Film Ever Made" (not mine, when I have the nerve I'll put that one up), but it's one of those movies that is merely horrifying rather than a horror film. More often than not, I've tried to watch it late at night and just fall asleep.

Plan 9 From Outer Space (originally: Grave Robbers From Outer Space)(Edward D. Wood, Jr. 1957)

 

Greetings, my friend! We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend: Future events such as these will affect you in the future. 

 

You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. 

 

My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty; let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?

In their 1980 book "The Golden Turkey Awards," authors Michael and Harry Medved compiled sent-in suggestions from readers of the book "The Fifty Worst Films of All Time" for the considerations of who would be given their "awards" and the ultimate winner was a movie that hadn't even been mentioned in that earlier book. Plan 9 From Outer Space had the dubious distinction of being dubbed "the worst movie ever made" (I should add the disclaimer "that we know of"). It's director, Edward D. Wood, Jr. was voted worst director.

And, subsequently, it (and its director) became quite well known. I use that phrase because one has to choose between the alternatives "famous" and "infamous" and, frankly, Plan 9 is a little bit of both. Most people know it from Tim Burton's cockamamie film-biography of Ed Wood, where he probably spent more money on recreating Wood's "style" than the original director did himself (He is one of many directors associated with the phrase "He never shot a take he didn't like"). Burton's film is an absurdist comedy, but at its core is the philosophy that one must stay true to their "vision" despite the nay-sayers and...you know..."taste."

Plan 9 has a simple plot, based on the concepts behind The Day the Earth Stood Still, of an alien race visiting Earth to warn of the dangers of scientific advancement without safeguards. Plan 9's aliens have trouble with the whole "take me to your leader" thing and have been unable to communicate with the Earth's governments, so their ninth plan—they're tenacious—is to raise the dead to attack Earth cities to prevent them from discovering "solaronite" (it's pronounced differently by different actors in the thing), which can have the ability to explode sunlight particles, endangering the Universe with an unstoppable chain reaction (well, when you put it that way...).

One can raise all sorts of questions as to why the aliens can't seem to reach the world's governments and why raising the dead is a rather extreme "demonstration" of their abilities, but if one started counting off the absurdities of Plan 9 From Outer Space, one would simply be exhausted by all the inanities, ineptitudes, gaffs, goofs, flubs, fumbles and stumbles that make up the bulk of the film. When you consider that part it of originated with having the last film footage of Bela Lugosi, one has to question if the enterprise was worth starting in the first place.

I have a strange relationship with Plan 9. I've never been able to get through the first hour of it. Just the other day when thinking about the film I couldn't remember how it ended. I'd usually get to the part where the aliens' Commander Eros starts bleating: "Stronger. You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!" and then gets punched in the face in counter-argument...and then I just give up (or fall asleep). So, I watched only the last half-hour and, lord, it's just the same as the first interminable hour—the level of mediocrity (not stupidity, not just ineptitude) becomes overwhelming and one has to turn away in disgust.

 The "complex" cock-pit set from Plan 9 from Outer Space

I know there are people who watch it for the sheer lame-brainedness of it and find that entertaining. But, I've never found it so, instead finding it sad...and not laugh-out-loud funny...and cruel to watch in a weird way. I have no problems with camp. I have no problems with parody. I have no problems with cheap (cheap actually can produce innovative solutions in story-telling). But, the "bad school-play" feeling it generates just makes me depressed, and I know because of my reaction that I'll probably never watch another Ed Wood movie. I love movies, but his break my heart.

Chiropractor Tom Mason playing Bela Lugosi (deceased) as Ghoul Man ("no one'll notice...")

This October in the blog, we've been looking at a lot of poorly-financed horror movies that still manage to eke out some promise on a budget that wouldn't cover the catering in today's market. It wasn't planned that way, it just happened. But, it shows how talented people can make the most out of limitations by imagination and ingenuity and a certain dramatic flair. Ed Wood evidently had none of those because most of the movies I've reviewed this month had a creative spark just edgy enough that monetary problems could be surmounted or, at least, masked.

Plus, script has an awful lot to do with it. Good construction, the sense of pace and revelation go a long way in making a good script and cleverness makes up a good portion in that consideration. Cleverness goes beyond what Wood thinks is "dialogue"—one line building on the previous line as in "Visits? That would indicate visitors!"—the kind of stuff that would pass muster in grade-school as sophisticated, but is put away as "childish things" once one gets over the fact that you can put words on a blank space. Wood seems to have never got over that fascination. I'm sure he must have gotten rejection letters from somebody in Hollywood that he might have learned from. But, evidently, he was good at conning people out of money to make the bare minimum product displaying his ideas and talent that never received the acclaim it supposedly deserved.

 

I would say it's a classic case of reaching beyond one's grasp, but I don't see much evidence of reaching.

Maila ("Vampira") Nurmi reaching...

At the risk of getting as pretentious as Edward D. Wood, Jr., it's got me to thinking of how things go right...until they go wrong; how the country is polarized, but more than just in political leanings, but in how we dance around the thin veneer of competence—where you either do the best that can be done or you merely stop, saying "that's good enough" and hope that you don't get caught when things fall apart. We let standards slip just enough to make things easier...until we're no longer accomplishing the job we set out to do and are actually working against it. Things fall between the cracks and we become indifferent to it. If you want to go all-Dr. Strangelove on it, we suffer from a "competence gap" of whether to make a larger profit or do a better job...and we always choose the larger profit.* Then, we scratch our heads and wonder when things start to come crashing down...or we have a market down-turn every ten years.

You'd think we'd learn...but we don't...("You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!"). No wonder I don't get any enjoyment out of Plan 9 from Outer Space: It takes the superior attitude that people are knuckle-dragging monkey-people and proves its point by looking and acting like it was made by knuckle-dragging monkey-people! It makes its point by its very existence! I hate that!

Maybe it's because I'm so steeped in the "work ethic" culture I was propagandized into ("If, at first, you don't succeed, try, try again"...until you get to Plan 9, anyway), or I never bought into the "get-by" mind-set, where "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

But, for my part, Plan 9 From Outer Space, in all senses, leaves me baffled.

"But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible."

 

Colonel Tom Edwards: This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard.

Jeff Trent: And every word of it's true, too.

Colonel Tom Edwards: That's the fantastic part of it.

 

* Thank you, and with that, I'd like to offer up my services as CEO of Boeing. (Now, about that severance package...)