Sunday, July 24, 2022

Don't Make a Scene: The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes

The Story: Sherlock Holmes is so "meta."

There is the conceit in Arthur Conan Doyle's stories that they are, actually, "a reprint from the reminiscences of John H. Watson," the "Dr." Watson, who served as Holmes' best friend, assistant and flat-mate. And also, his biographer, of a sorts.
 
Once that conceit was employed, Conan Doyle also established that Holmes as well as Watson's reminiscences existed in the same world. In other words, Holmes was aware that Watson published the chronicles in their world and, as they were published in ours, that Holmes might (who knows?) actually exist. He...if he existed...would actually have read the same Watson chronicles that we were reading.
 
The first instance of Holmes commenting on Watson's chronicling came in "The Sign of Four" set in 1888...published February 1890. In it, Holmes gives Watson his opinion of his work. "I glanced over it. Honestly, I cannot congratulate you upon it. Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism... The only point in the case which deserved mention was the curious analytical reasoning from effects to causes, by which I succeeded in unraveling it."
 
Here, in the opening of The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, he does basically the same thing, criticizing Watson's overall romanticism, and specifically pointing out some inaccuracies, all of which Holmesians—and Billy Wilder was one—would be all too familiar with. He also drops the first hint of a clue, which would figure prominently in the main story, the only part of the planned 3½ film that has remained intact. The film was planned as a roadshow attraction with intermission, but the producers and studio hacked away at the film, fearing the long run-time would limit showings, and, in a time when "youth movies" were the thing, be a box office liability. One suspects Professor Moriarty behind the film's dismemberment.
 
One can also tell...from the excising of the original opening narration, that instead of providing a straight-ahead introduction, Wilder was impelled to start the laughs off early with a casebook detail that is, frankly, ludicrous. "The depth the parsley had sunk in the butter on a hot day," indeed. 

Oh, and one inconsistency: Watson states in the film that the date was August of 1887. "The Red-Headed League," which he displays proudly, was first published (in these parts, anyway) in August 1891.
 
 
The Set-Up: A chest is found at a London Bank containing the mementos of Dr. John H. Watson (Colin Blakely) that, when it is opened, contains a manuscript, from the pen of the doctor himself, about an never-before disclosed case of Sherlock Holmes (Robert Stephens).
 
Action.
 
WATSON'S VOICE
To my heirs: In my lifetime I have recorded some sixty cases demonstrating the singular gift of my friend Sherlock Holmes - dealing with everything from The Hound of the Baskervilles to his mysterious brother Mycroft and the devilish Professor Moriarty. But there were other adventures which, for reasons of discretion, I have decided to withhold from the public until this much later date. They involve matters of a delicate and sometimes scandalous nature...
EXT. BAKER STREET - DAY 
A hansom cab, with Holmes' and Watson's luggage strapped to the rack on top, is proceeding down the busy street.
WATSON'S VOICE
...
as will shortly become apparent.

WATSON'S VOICE He was the most brilliant man I have ever known -- and I dare say people have envied me for sharing that flat with him in Baker Street. 
The cab draws up in front of 221B. 
WATSON'S VOICE
It was August of 1887 and we were returning from Yorkshire, where Holmes had solved the baffling murder of Admiral Abbernatty.
The front door opens and MRS. HUDSON, a plump, motherly woman in her fifties, wearing an apron, hurries down the steps. She greets Holmes and Watson warmly as they alight. 
WATSON'S VOICE I'll grant you he was stimulating -- but he could also be moody, unpredictable, egocentric, and more often than not, completely infuriating -- as our landlady, Mrs. Hudson, can attest -- bless her kind soul. 
The cabbie starts to unload their luggage.
WATSON'S VOICE
You may recall that he broke the murderer's alibi by measuring the depth to which the parsley had sunk in the butter on a hot day.

As Holmes, Watson and Mrs. Hudson proceed inside, 
CAMERA TRAVELS UP THE FACADE OF THE BUILDING, 
past the number 221B, to the bay window on the second floor. 
INT. LIVING ROOM - 221B BAKER STREET - DAY 
It's all there -- the fireplace, the coal scuttle, the Persian slipper with the tobacco; the velvet wing chair, the basket chair with the writing-arm, the couch with the cushions; the sideboard with the tantalus and the gasogene; the acid-stained deal-topped table with Holmes' chemical equipment on it, the dining table, the small Moorish table; the bookshelves and the violin case; the gas fixtures and the oil lamps; the dumbwaiter connecting with the kitchen in the basement; and Holmes' desk, piled high with papers, clippings, research material, etc.
Holmes is pulling up the window shades. 
Watson has removed his hat and coat, and is putting his medical bag down on the sideboard; the cabbie, having deposited their luggage, is just leaving. 
MRS. HUDSON
I do wish you'd give me a little more warning when you come home unexpected. I would have roasted a goose
MRS. HUDSON
  -- and had some flowers for you. 
HOLMES
My dear Mrs. Hudson -- criminals are as unpredictable as head-colds. 
HOLMES
You never quite know when you're going to catch one. 
He has picked up a dagger, starts opening his mail, which is on the dining table. 
MRS. HUDSON
I'll unpack your bags. 
She exits into one of the bedrooms. Watson has now taken a magazine out of an envelope. 
WATSON
Here's an advance copy of Strand Magazine. (shows it to Holmes) 
WATSON
They've printed 'The Red-Headed League!' 
On the cover is a colored illustration from the story, featuring in obligatory Inverness and deerstalker. 
HOLMES
(offhand) Very impressive. 
WATSON
(leafing through the magazine) Would you like to see how I treated it? 
HOLMES I can hardly wait. I'm sure I'll find out... 
HOLMES
... all sorts of fascinating things about the case that I never knew before. 
WATSON
Just what do you mean by that? 
HOLMES
Oh, come now, Watson, you must admit that you have a tendency to over-romanticize. 
HOLMES
You have taken my simple exercises in logic and embellished them, exaggerated them...
WATSON
I deny the accusation. 
HOLMES You have described me as six-foot-four, whereas I am barely six-foot-one. 
WATSON A bit of poetic license. 
HOLMES
(removing Inverness and deerstalker) You have saddled me with this improbable costume, which the public now expects me to wear.
WATSON
That's not my doing. (indicating cover of Strand) Blame it on the illustrator. 
HOLMES
You've made me out to be a violin virtuoso. Here -- 6. (holds out a letter he's been reading) -- a request 
HOLMES
There's an invitation there from the Liverpool Symphony to appear as soloist in the Mendelssohn Concerto. 
WATSON
(excited) Oh, really? 
HOLMES
The fact is that I could barely hold my own in the pit orchestra of a second-rate music hall. 
WATSON
You're much too modest. 
HOLMES
(busy with the mail) You have given the reader the distinct impression that I am a misogynist. 
HOLMES
Actually, I don't dislike women -- I merely distrust them. The twinkle in the eye and the arsenic in the soup. 
WATSON It's those little touches that make you colorful -- 
HOLMES
Lurid is more like it. 
HOLMES
You have painted me as a hopeless dope addict -- just because I occasionally take a five per cent solution of cocaine. 
WATSON
A seven per cent solution. 
HOLMES
Five per cent. Don't you think I'm aware you've been diluting it behind my back? 
WATSON As a doctor -- and as your friend -- I strongly disapprove of this insidious habit of yours.
HOLMES
My dear friend -- as well as my dear doctor -- I only resort to narcotics when I am suffering from acute boredom -- 
HOLMES
when there are no interesting cases to engage my mind. 
HOLMES
(holding out one of the open letters) Look at this -- an urgent appeal to find six missing midgets. 
He tosses the letter down is disgust. 
WATSON
Did you say midgets? 
He picks up the letter. 
HOLMES
Six of them -- the Tumbling Piccolos -- an acrobatic act with some circus. 
WATSON
Disappeared between London and Bristol ... 
WATSON
Don't you find that intriguing? 
HOLMES
Extremely so. 
HOLMES
You see, they are not only midgets -- but also anarchists. 
WATSON
Anarchists? 
HOLMES (nodding) By now they have been smuggled to Vienna, dressed as little girls in burgundy pinafores. 
HOLMES
They are to greet the Czar of all the Russias when he arrives at the railway station. 
HOLMES
They will be carrying bouquets of flowers, 
HOLMES
...concealed in each bouquet will be a bomb with a lit fuse. 
WATSON You really think so? 
HOLMES
Not at all. 
HOLMES
The circus owner offers me five pounds for my services --
HOLMES
that's not even a pound a midget. 
HOLMES
So obviously he is a stingy blighter, and the little chaps simply ran off to join another circus. 
WATSON (crestfallen) Oh. And it sounded so promising -- 
HOLMES There are no great crimes anymore, Watson. The criminal class has lost all enterprise and originality. 
HOLMES
At best they commit some bungling villainy, with a motive so transparent... 
HOLMES
...that even a Scotland Yard official can see through it. 
He has crossed to the desk, suddenly notices something. 
HOLMES (angrily) Mrs. Hudson! 
HOLMES
(even angrier) MRS. HUDSON! 
Mrs. Hudson comes hurrying out of the bedroom. 
MRS. HUDSON
Yes? 
MRS. HUDSON
What is it? What have I done now? 
HOLMES
(sternly) There is something missing from my desk. 
MRS. HUDSON Missing? 
HOLMES
Something very crucial. (picks up a small feather) 
HOLMES
Dust!
HOLMES
You have been tidying up against my explicit orders. 
MRS. HUDSON
Oh, I made sure not to disturb anything. 
HOLMES Dust, Mrs. Hudson, is an essential part of my filing system.
HOLMES
By the thickness of it, I can date any document immediately. 
MRS. HUDSON
Some of the dust was this thick. 
She demonstrates with her thumb and forefinger. 
HOLMES (promptly) That would be...March, 1883. 
He blows the feather away.

 
 
Words by Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond
 
 
The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from M-G-M Home Entertainment.



No comments:

Post a Comment