Don't Make a Scene: Time Bandits

The Story: Times seem so bad: Covid, unemployment, Trump, evictions (except Trump), racial tensions, homelessness...there were even locusts (and killer hornets) earlier this year.

Think somebody's trying to tell us something?

Well, in Time Bandits, Terry Gilliam's fantasia about skull-duggery in God's infrastructure, the Intelligent Designer is actually a major player. Call him God, Jehovah, Mohammad, or the 8,999,997 other names in Arthur C. Clarke's rolodex, his name should be Deus X. Machina for that is the role He plays in this scenario. Things are a mess. It's his job to clean it up.

With the help of paid servants, one should add. (Wonder what their health care is like?)


The Set-Up: Things couldn't be worse for the time bandits (and Kevin). Trapped in Evil's lair. Og turned into a pig. Fidgit crushed by a pillar. Chased by giant shrieking creatures with antelope skulls. And now, Evil (David Warner) has wound himself up for the final killing stroke. Their only hope? Let God (in the form of Ralph Richardson) sort it out.

Action! 

Then suddenly, from somewhere behind them a gigantic bolt of lightning splits the air and strikes the EVIL GENIUS dead centre. He turns to carbon. A perfect charcoal replica of his former self - petrified for ever. 

KEVIN and the DWARVES spin around to see who or what it was that saved them. 

Lo and behold, it is none other than the SUPREME BEING. The DWARVES are at once elated and at the same time terrified. The SUPREME BEING has finally caught up with them.
RANDALL: Oh, no! 
STRUTTER: He's found us! 

RANDALL: Quick! Run for it!

Then, the SUPREME BEING suddenly, before their very averted eyes, metaphophoses from his glowing radiant impressive long white-flowing bearded self to a rather ordinary bureaucrat in a not very well-fitting suit.

He shakes himself. He seems to be tired and irritable. He's not unlike Alec Guinness playing George Smiley, but quite unlike Dirk Bogarde in "The Spanish Gardener". 

SUPREME BEING: (with distaste) Oh! I hate having to appear like that. 

SUPREME BEING: Really, it's the most tiresome way. Noisy manifestation. 

SUPREME BEING: Still, rather expected of one, I suppose. 

RANDALL: (beckoning to the others to prostrate themselves) Get down! Get down!
But RANDALL is on his knees.  

RANDALL: O Great One! O Supreme Being! O Creator of all the universe, without whom we would be naught but scarab beetles on the-

SUPREME BEING: (looking around at the chaos) What a dreadful mess!

SUPREME BEING: Is the pig with you?

The GANG nods. 

SUPREME BEING: Right. 

SUPREME BEING: Well, we'll sort him out first. 

He looks briefly in OG's direction.

OG changes before their very eyes from pig to OG. 

RANDALL: Og! Og, here! Quick! Out of the way!- 

OG: (sadly) I was enjoying that. 

SUPREME BEING: (fussily) One thing I can't stand, it's mess. I want all this stuff picked up.

RANDALL: Yes, sir. Anything you say. Anything you say, sir. 

RANDALL: Wally, tidy up! 

WALLY: But, but he's dead, Randall. Fidgit, Fidgit's dead. 

SUPREME BEING: Dead? No excuse for laying off work. - 

WALLY: Fidgit.- 
RANDALL: Fidgit. - 

WALLY: Fidgit? - 
FIDGIT: What happened - 

WAlLY: I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit. 

STRUTTER: He's okay! He's okay! 

SUPREME BEING: Oh, do hurry up. - 

(ALL): Oh, yes, sir.- 

RANDALL: Yes, sir. I'd like to explain everything. We didn't mean to steal the map. We didn't mean to run away-- 

SUPREME BEING: What do you mean, you didn't mean to steal the map? 
RANDALL: (haplessly, dusting map off) It, it just sort of--- 

SUPREME BEING: (grabbing map from RANDALL) Of course you didn't mean to steal it. 

SUPREME BEING: I gave it to you. You silly man. 

SUPREME BEING: And that. 
(indicating a particular bit of filth on the floor - RANDALL rushes to pick it up - the others are all cleaning)

SUPREME BEING: Do you really think I didn't know?- 
RANDALL's mouth falls open) 
RANDALL: Sir? 

SUPREME BEING: I had to have some way of testing my handiwork. I think it turned out rather well. Don't you?- 

RANDALL: Hmm? 

SUPREME BEING: Evil turned out rather well. Mm-hmm. 

SUPREME BEING: Whose are these?
(He holds out KEVIN's original clothes) 

KEVIN: Mine, sir. 

KEVIN: They're mine, sir. 

SUPREME BEING: You really are an untidy boy. 

(He hands them over, then holds out pad and pen)
SUPREME BEING: Sign... 

SUPREME BEING: ...here.

KEVIN sighs. SUPREME BEING check signature and puts book away. 

WALLY: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time? 

SUPREME BEING: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being. - I'm not entirely dim.-

RANDALL: Oh, no, sir. We're not suggesting that, sir. It's just-- 

SUPREME BEING: That I let you borrow my map. 

SUPREME BEING: Now I want every bit of Evil... 

SUPREME BEING: ...placed in here. Right away.- 
RANDALL: Of course, sir. 
He indicates a very solid steel drum. The DWARVES set to picking up the charcoal figure of EVIL. 

RANDALL: Come on. 

KEVIN: You mean you let all those people die, just to test your creation? 

SUPREME BEING: Yes. 

SUPREME BEING: You really are a clever boy. 

KEVIN: Why did they have to die? 

SUPREME BEING: You might as well say, "Why do we have to have evil?" 

RANDALL: Oh, we wouldn't dream of asking a question like that, sir. 

KEVIN: Yes. Why do we have to have evil? 

SUPREME BEING: Ah. - 

SUPREME BEING: I think it's something to do with free will. 

SUPREME BEING: Do be careful.
The DWARVES in their haste have dropped the figure of EVIL. It breaks into several pieces. 

WALLY: You weren't watching. 

SUPREME BEING:  Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. 

SUPREME BEING:  One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs. 

RANDALL: I'm sorry, sir. I, I was just wondering if there's, um, any chance we might have our old jobs back, sir. - 

SUPREME BEING: Oh, you certainly were appallingly bad robbers.- 
RANDALL: Yes, sir. 
SUPREME BEING: I really should do something very extrovert and vengeful with you.

SUPREME BEING: Honestly, I'm too tired. But I think I'll just transfer you to the undergrowth department-- yes, bracken, small shrubs--that sort of thing-- with a 19% cut in salary backdated to the beginning of time. -

They all nod. "Oh yes." 
RANDALL: Thank you, sir.- 
WALLY: Oh, thank you, sir. 

SUPREME BEING: Well, I am the nice one. 

SUPREME BEING: (indicating drum of EVIL bits) Is it all ready?

(DWARVES nod) Right! 

SUPREME BEING: Come on, then. Back to creation. - 

SUPREME BEING: I mustn't waste any more time.- 
WALLY: Bye, Kevin. 

SUPREME BEING: They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution. - 

WALLY: Come on.- 
FIDGIT: Sir? - 

SUPREME BEING: (testily) Yes?- 

FIDGIT: What about my friend, sir? Can he come with us? 

SUPREME BEING: No, of course not. This isn't a school outing. 

FIDGIT: But, sir, he deserves something. I mean, without him--- 

SUPREME BEING: Oh, don't go on about it. 
WALLY: Come on. Fidgit!
SUPREME BEING: He's got to stay here to carry on the fight.-  

RANDALL: Fidgit, come on! FIDG-IT!

KEVIN: Hey! 

KEVIN: You can't go! - 

KEVIN: Hey, 

RANDALL: Fidgit...Fidgit!

KEVIN: Hey, you can't leave me!- 

KEVIN: Wait, please! - 
RANDALL: Come on, Fidgit!-

He transmogrifises. 

KEVIN: Hey! Stop! 

KEVIN: Hey! Hey! Don't leave me!

Rushing wind noise. 

KEVIN: Hey! Help! Stop! Don't go! 

KEVIN: Help! Don't leave me! Hey! 

KEVIN: Don't go! Stop! 

Time Bandits

Words by Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin

Pictures by Peter Biziou and Terry Gilliam

Time Bandits is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Image Entertainment and the Criterion Collection.