Don't Make a Scene: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Story: The 50th anniversary of the Moon landing has made me think far too much about the minority of folks who believe it never happened, that it was all an elaborate hoax—and I spent far too much band-width on this blog discounting the arguments of the nay-sayers (and I'll be doing so again on Tuesday, proving that I, too, never learn). But, here in the U.S., we're all spending far too much time separating fact from fiction, if, indeed, anyone cares. There has always been a trade in crack-pottery because there's a sucker born every minute who wants to read about bat-boys and fall for it because (as I've heard said) "they wouldn't print it if it wasn't true." Yeah, they would. What they wouldn't do is print it if there's wasn't some idiot willing to buy it. They wouldn't do it if there wasn't somebody to buy it hook, line, and sinker. And had enough ego to look in the face of evidence and say—still say—"Yeah, no, don't try and confuse me with facts, I'll believe what I believe." And although I say "here in the U.S." it's a world-wide phenomenon, wherever there are humans who can put 1 and 1 together and come up with "11." Or look at the way their life is and blame God. Whichever one. Or hate someone SOOOO much, they'll believe whatever stupid stuff someone makes up. Or be so smart and so special that they belong to Reddit. Or Facebook. Or anything else. People get really stupid when they think they're really smart. So, Monty Python, the social critics, who have a skit about nearly every human foible that could make people mad...or laugh (if they don't recognize the foible as their own). They're about to hit their 50th Anniversary, too. It can't be a coincidence. I'll bet there's a connection... The Set-Up: King Arthur (Graham Chapman) and his Knights are seeking the Holy Grail, wandering around the continent from village to village, when they come across a village where there's a bit of a bother in the town square.
5 EXTERIOR - DAY
A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards.
They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets.
They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village.
A strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
CROWD: A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEVERE takes her nose off.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -
VILLAGER #1 - but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No!
CROWD No... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet.
BEDEVERE: Quiet! ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest
BEDEVERE: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn! CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #3: Shhhhh....!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn? [pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--...
VILLAGER #3: 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good!
PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion. CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no. VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly!
BEDEVERE: So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck,
VILLAGER #1: ...she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!
BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales! [yelling]
He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather.
They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck in another.
Each pan is supported by a wooden stave.
BEDEVERE checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports! [whop] [creak]
Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers.
The GIRL and the duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Let's make her into a ladder. [yelling]
The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding each other admiringly.
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